Most muffin tops have muffin bottoms.

I can guarantee you that the person yelling for everyone to calm down is *not* the calmest person in the room.

There are so many meds in my system that I feel like a toxic waste dump. Just call me New Jersey for the next couple of days.

There is nothing more rewarding than a negative pregnancy test!

In the song Three Times A Lady, was Lionel Richie talking about multiple orgasms or doing a "triple play"? I can't decide.

When I meet someone new, who dresses like a hipster, I don't know if I should hug or shank them.

Every time I see a boob avi all I think is, you don't believe you're pretty enough to show your face. Come on girls get some self esteem!

So if you're wondering about my parenting, my 14yo was telling her bros what riding the white horse was, then rapped ice ice baby today.

Lou Holtz needs to keep one of those spit suckers from the dentist in his mouth at all times.

When is someone going to make Yes•Doz?

My hubs told me I would get more followers if I put a boob pic as my AVI, I told him there was a pic of him in twitterland already!

My hubs is a twitter pusher. He's even starting to "tap" the vein for me.

I don't tweet hourly, or even daily but when I do, nobody listens anyway.

I hate it when she* talks in the third person.

*me

Saw a 4yr old throwing a fit tonight. So mom whips it out and breastfeeds. Do you think that would work on hubby?

This pic will have all of twitter drooling! http://t.co/4NZmKXeg

"right up the middle"
"hits the hole"
"deep penetration"
"ball's real wet"

I totally get why guys want sex after football games.

Going in to get a PAP is like going on your honeymoon. You shave from top to bottom. And hope everything looks great.

Waitresses are terrible in bed because they just want the tip.

Makin' my man breakfast like a boss! Frozen Ding Dong and Dr. Pepper, just the way he likes it.