Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Lance Armstrong cheated at a sport NOBODY cares about, but raised millions of dollars for a cause EVERYONE cares about. Forgiven in my books
My brother just texted me that my tweets are too dark. You know what else is dark? Being buried alive.
WiFi sucks in my bedroom. Its just another reminder my bedroom is not a hot spot.
39 followers now. You're each becoming less and less important. Just kidding! But seriously, RT and make yourselves useful at least.
2/3 of the world is covered in water and the other 1/3 is covered by complete morons.
Guys, you don't HAVE to hold the door for me, but you don't HAVE to get laid either.
I don't mind being single and 28 because it just means that I get a first round draft choice when all the divorces begin.
Choosy moms choose Jif. We had Skippy peanut butter at my house, so I guess that explains my dad.
Hey guys, don't forget to lead on the girls you're not interested in today!
Asking me for a follow back is a lot like asking for sex: it happens to me everyday and I'm always like "ughh I guess so" and I cry after.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them, and some just tweet till it's all over.
My friend actually just said "Ever noticed that a Canadian NEVER wins the Miss America Pagent?" THIS IS WHAT I AM DEALING WITH, PEOPLE!
I am training new people at work today, so if I stop tweeting for an extended period of time it is because I am digging shallow graves.
That Lean Cuisine was the least satisfying experience of my life. You guys don't know my ex, but that's saying a lot.
My mom learned to text and now I have to throw out my cell phone.
Hey hot girls, guys like it when you don't wear make up and when you exclusively wear over sized beer tshirts, so start doing that. Now.
Dear followers: now that there ae 23 of you, you each hold just over 4% of my heart. You think about that before you click unfollow.
Liquor before beer, have no fear. Beer before liquor, never learned how to keep my pants on in public.
It's cute how these football players hold their kids during interviews like they're sure they're the dad.
Eating ice cream for lunch because you're not my real dad.