I used to get up every morning, get high and put some bacon in the oven. I call those my “wake n’ bake n’ bakin’ bacon years”.

My uncle was an aunteater.

One thing's for sure, The Backstreet Boys sure loved singing about human hearts.

They say I should take Gas-X tablets to relieve my gas, but I don't trust the fartmeceutical companies.

Shower farts are the navy seals of flatulence. #Stronger #LongLasting #WetAndDeadly

Judging by the smell of my farts, last night I ate 400 fart sandwiches.

Arby's is the only fast food joint where the customers look like the food.

People west of Bathurst make me sick. "We live above a nice crepe emporium on Ronces." Oh do you, you fucking skateboarding father of 3?

Have a little fun. Next time someone shows you an ultrasound of their unborn baby, loudly exclaim, "Whoa! Nice tits!"

Drank so much last night, everywhere I walked I felt like I was trying to step into a canoe.

Baby wearing sunglasses: hilarious. Baby wearing regular glasses: sad.

Statistics reveal that if you are tossed into a garbage can, 92% chance you'll pop up with a banana peel on your head. 8% for fish skeleton.

It's one of those mornings where you wake up so hungover that you have to check the news to make sure you didn’t kill anybody last night.

The offensive part about people calling me a jabroni is that deep down I'm just a rudipoo.

If super sexy space aliens came here and started using us as a food source, I'd be fine with it as long as they put out.

Is it possible to hork anything but a loogie? Chunks, perhaps. But that's a limited portfolio of horkage.

Not sure which is making me fart so much: that duffel bag of cabbage that was left in the sun, or that raw entire wombat. (btw, ate both)

Heads-up, comedians of the world: crowds of hockey moms do not like "you probably have a fat vagina" jokes. #Experience

Math class made you better at math. English made you better at English. Why was sex ed just pics of gross stuff that could happen 2 ur dick?

I wonder what the Guinness World Record is for "oldest guy to bust a nut". I bet it's triple digits.