Why is Florence always yelling at her machine?

Tebow will get paid more to do nothing for The Patriots than you will to do something most of your adult life.

I should probably use this Twitter thing more.

Tonight I heard the devil's voice and it sounds like 87 cents falling out of you pocket in the dryer.

I've never seen a Buggati but I've puked in the back of a Miata once.

Dick Trickle is what my ex used to call me after sex.

I hope the next movie in the Step Up franchise is a Civil War reenactment.

Thought The Princess Bride was on. Turns out it was The Princess Diaries. Watching it anyways.

My relationship status is nachos.

New career path. One man band wagon.

Sometimes corn on the cobb just gets me ya know? How do you know me so well corn!

Real men love JESUS CHRIST look at the rack on her!!!!

You know it'll be a good day when you find an onion ring at the bottom of your Burger King fries.

It's sad to know that I live in a world where adults still don't FLUSH THE DAMN TOILET!

Ahh Monday. The skidmark on the underwear of life.

You'd think as good as some of these kids can mosh they wouldn't get beat up at school so much.

If Charlotte's Web isn't the first book checked out of the George W. Bush library I'll be very upset.

Self deprecating blog posts are as useful as.......ahhh. who cares. Nobody is reading this anyway.

I'm exhausted from all the YOLOing I did this weekend.

My inner demon is just some asshole wearing a white sheet over his head.