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I got my Batman shirt on. Lots of armor. Actually it's fat. I'm Fatman. I am the night! McKnight. I am Brian McKnight. I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!
College Football is trending. "SPORTS BRO!" hibernation season is officially over. I wonder if the price of khaki shorts will go up.
My beard told me I was too EMO so I trimmed it into a mustache and now it hates my taste in music.
Hobby Lobby: We won’t give you birth control but we will sell you enough popsicle sticks to build your own pagan deity.
I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN! I BELIEVE THAT GAY IS SIN! SCREW EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL WOMEN! YEAH MURICA!!! AMIRITE!
Newborns are a lot like homeless people. You can never understand what they are saying and they always smell like poop.
I didn't quit the twitter game. I just took a really long water break.
Note to selfie: Use better filters.
If my calculations are correct, I've had 86 distant relatives leave me 18 trillion dollars after dying. I now own Zimbabwe.
Why does the bathroom cleaning lady always know when I have to take a poop?
I'm confused. Did Elmo die or was it Leonard Nimoy?
Pity party of one, your table is ready.
Are we sure Kate just isn't really constipated?
The lady with the PoohBear license plate in front of me is driving like Eeyore.
I like Zombie movies and long walks on the beach.
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