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If my calculations are correct, I've had 86 distant relatives leave me 18 trillion dollars after dying. I now own Zimbabwe.
Why does the bathroom cleaning lady always know when I have to take a poop?
I'm confused. Did Elmo die or was it Leonard Nimoy?
Pity party of one, your table is ready.
Are we sure Kate just isn't really constipated?
The lady with the PoohBear license plate in front of me is driving like Eeyore.
Jay-Z's new album title sounds like every answer I wrote down in 7th grade history class.
Damn. Even the Egyptians hate Morrissey.
Teenagers are more annoying than homeless people that bitch about the dollar you just gave them.
I'm about to Paula Deen the hell out of this fried chicken.
I scratched my Mumford and Sons CD and now I'm stuck with the new Skrillex album.
Why is Florence always yelling at her machine?
Tebow will get paid more to do nothing for The Patriots than you will to do something most of your adult life.
I should probably use this Twitter thing more.
Tonight I heard the devil's voice and it sounds like 87 cents falling out of you pocket in the dryer.
I've never seen a Buggati but I've puked in the back of a Miata once.