Aluminum foil is made of 100% recycled alien clothes.

Life's too short to safely remove your USB.

Adam Levine could pick out 5 homeless guys from the streets and pose with them and everyone would think they're Maroon 5.

I stopped eating apples because I find doctors very attractive.

A car is just a horizontal elevator.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

A woman's tale is the longest tale amongst all mammals.

Look Ma, no life!

Asparagus, whoever named you must have taken you way too seriously. I mean, have you met Potato and Tomato?

Eye came. Eye saw. Eye rolled.

The worst thing that could happen to Twitter? A chat utility.

If you look deeply into my eyes, you would see the veins giving you the finger.

Went to bed hungry, woke up a supermodel.

My version of 'How I Met Your Mother' would be a lot of Twitter DMs and subliminal mentions.

Whenever tourists talk to me in a foreign language, I always look down at their waists for subtitles on a digital belt buckle.

Listen Salafi, if you're not comfortable sitting next to a female on the bus, take a camel instead.

"Fanks." -A lovely way to say, "Fuck off, Thank you."

Dear Gravity, when you fail us at a public place, please have Earth swallow us while you're at it. Signed, severely insecure.

I think my IQ instantly increases when watching a British narrated documentary on anything.

I'm sexy years old.