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  • Cheeseboy22
      Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22

    A trampoline with a net around it says, "I love my kids just enough to injure them but not kill them."

    • 274
    • FAVS
    TammyOnTheRadioahoytheboat______johngayseeUpturnedBathtubDivineLately______kevinoldToxicButTasty123Dent
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    jennfer46_chasing_amy______Nodine13__________MinaRah2ameo02Favstar250PAT_E_ROCKsoonerick76
    IAmAndrewWardmy_minivan_life
  • Kyle_Lippert
      Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert

    Pro tip: Drug dealers don't carry pens to check counterfeit bills.

    • 92
    • FAVS
    GregTheFucksbadiyahaustinaceboogie305PaxochkaispypandaTitaniumToplassjayblom__________GageBoston
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    babyalxoxoBabyFresh360QUBANQT__________PaulBrahanMyPeepsCallMeD____noirekaDDDdarherrorahrah
    IAmAndrewWard
  • shelbyfero
      shelby fero @shelbyfero

    Never judge a book by its cover! Unless it's Mein Kampf. Then you're probably ok.

    • 227
    • FAVS
    jalpha_gregmrKOfoshoLittleLillyBugPendejotronIxnayOnTheMKKo_Diesel________jemma_e_jackson
    • 198
    • RETWEETS
    MOEQ_hannahramiceniesurya_Jordantaraguicenannoniscool________itskatemitchgoodenuff2tweet__
    JeffKlingerIAmAndrewWard
  • NotDeakins
      NotDeakins @NotDeakins

    My life is basically just one long porn movie but without the cameras & the sex & the boobs & the huge dick & the house & the happiness.

    • 82
    • FAVS
    quynhphaamVolcanoWolf______JRevard143sternjer_bare__________Tetley6969OhNoSheTwitntjustwant2wine
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    Vicci89justwant2wineDrFapFap__________jshadeduboisimperfectxrebelsam__jaslamegurrrrlDinaBleach__
    IAmAndrewWard
  • Paxochka
      Pax Paxochka @Paxochka

    Sometimes I wish I were a smoker so I could stand outside a party and still have it count as attending.

    • 201
    • FAVS
    donttellkristiTheonlyGarrick____daisywaitsrideLavenderpantsBlondHousewifeMauriceBlitzjess_stratton1dirtydeed
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    donttellkristijosephesqueCapricaVRammaDammaKannaMcclairedowellJNPiettetomhenrich
    mickeybruce25IAmAndrewWard
  • Kyle_Lippert
      Kyle Lippert @Kyle_Lippert

    If the Saints beat the Lions, there's gonna be riots in Detroit.

    If the Lions beat the Saints, there's gonna be riots in Detroit.

    • 68
    • FAVS
    tuckergradyremy_rezzin______OrvllShrednbchrJihadPizzajscottwilsonRealPrincessKimreesespiece_CoatCzech
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    ALASKANSHIRTSKuya_JoeymosesfreesusRudeFerreroFavstar500FavsItsRyanTerranathehuskerguyMN_Husker
    IAmAndrewWard
  • sweet_toof
      Jeffrey Brian @sweet_toof

    I heard a crinkle in this old guy's pants. I asked him if he wears Huggies or Luvs. He said, "Well, Depends..."

    • 64
    • FAVS
    PunkpantsCabetoMejiacobrakellyleesmf____________Krittyshitty______CroweJamMsCarlissimaCountRockula
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    ImChattyKathyFavstar500FavsLeAnnLightfootByrdsWordssbumblebmeBallsToBrandoJessiPrince1heyzeuscreesto
    IAmAndrewWard
  • yoyoha
      Josh Hara @yoyoha

    Jazzercise and cocaine becoming popular in the same decade doesn't feel like a coincidence.

    • 145
    • FAVS
    moynienopelucymichehhhh________NotRocktSurgerytoria_beeeoceanmist1224cmholsteindaniel_p_jones
    • 55
    • RETWEETS
    subst_ncenicoleconferBrian9672SkinnyJeansNYCLLdeW____monGrelTigermichlfce______tennismonix
    IAmAndrewWard
  • shiraselko
      Shira @shiraselko

    Michele Bachmann is out. Marcus Bachmann is not.

    • 97
    • FAVS
    shurtcobainCrowetoonsLickyourstein____sweet_toofKyle_Lippertizrigrodfunnyguydietredbull
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    ConnorMacKenzieRyanAllamanJasMarJDregularguymydraal56r_wolfcastleSecularPoliticslouis_2_3
    CroweJamFlyoverJoelIAmAndrewWard
  • scottadhoc
      Scott C. Reynolds @scottadhoc

    I'm beginning work on my next spec script: War Horse 2 - We Bought A Glue Factory

    • 3
    • FAVS
    CookedOnPhonicsGrizzGriffithsjoshgondelman
    IAmAndrewWard
  • senorwinces
      Señor Winces @senorwinces

    No need to include "maniac" after you say "axe-wielding".

    • 124
    • FAVS
    DrangulaWatch7owerIrishByAccidentJaxStarNYCThisNateWarrenHolsteinsomedrivelCali420nia_Luke__
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    liltexas101SquaredGonzoFrankFecesDannyShirtlessMkjkfitzgeraldDylaneasylifeMarioWithAnMfavstar1000favs
    IAmAndrewWard
  • UNTRESOR
      UNTRESOR @UNTRESOR

    The next person to check this hotel room with a blacklight will find "HELP ME" written in horse ejaculate on the wall. Don't ask.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    ayCharkyswythetigersgoroooarAmburglar_ManJuggsAzelffartmozartProphetzarquon
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsevieblazekBeard_HorowitzMatt_Tice________
    IAmAndrewWard
  • EricMarten
      Eric Martin @EricMarten

    My wife just saw me try and fail to open a jar of pickles and now she's on hold with a divorce attorney as she signs up for eHarmony.

    • 130
    • FAVS
    elevenbravo138Bacon_Ball________EricMartenjennnnnnnnnn20rjasonscalespiplipsNodelusions916fortuitouslife
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    betterdailyfavstar1000favsKatyliciousRexgnomelahmark_petrolotxbaby_254GodDamnGod__PeeSnow
    IAmAndrewWard
  • yoyoha
      Josh Hara @yoyoha

    Why are the carts at Whole Foods so small? There's barely enough room for my self-satisfaction!

    • 76
    • FAVS
    colinaoconnorMalvinsRoomComedikTimingBrendaFikeSingleMommyfiedDoubleTalk2IAmJustynaleafblad21
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    nonamesmith1ErkaS4Csoozikuemarinaesquestrungalongst_ndfordFavstar500FavsDave1001
    IAmAndrewWard
  • confusedlush______
      Scotched Rinker @confusedlush______

    Oh God, I just realized that if i was still married I would be in Church right now. Santa works in mysterious ways.

    • 87
    • FAVS
    asithinkiamRienMais__________NorthernMagic____braindeadorcgreggified________Kennedydp5PoisynFrogShoutingGoddess
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    lunasgarden_KindOfASmartass__RealPrincessKimFavstar500FavsBetter_Clever_Shizzle__________ladyjazsjunkiamkevinday______
    IAmAndrewWard_Shizzle__________
  • Aspersioncast
      aspersioncast @Aspersioncast

    She wanted me to bite her like an apple, but I had to slice her up first so she wouldn't hurt my teeth.

    • 130
    • FAVS
    Ghetto_TrophyMissItAintMe______smartypeachUGotMeRightDMVM1977__________discokenWhoCuppedMyCake__NotJustJack______
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    CookieLaRouxfavstar1000favsbwmeyerH0TMessBarbieAnyaLachae7ladyjazsjunkNatetheEnigmaFavstar500Favs
    CookieLaRouxIAmAndrewWard
  • IGotsSmarts
      Steve Mieczkowski @IGotsSmarts

    Little is known about Cee Lo Green's brothers, Hear Lo and Speak Lo.

    • 177
    • FAVS
    0okamiRyouko__Cumical______________soonerick76PAT_E_ROCKFancy_Messtigersgoroooardan49kadooAspersioncast
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    tHeMaCnAmEdMiKefadingpacesHRHofEverything__michelle_angusTdotWALLACEeyeCANDYo_OAce_KxldmorTAUl_KKom6at
    KazLightYearzIAmAndrewWardboobill
  • IamEnidColeslaw
      Mary Charlene @IamEnidColeslaw

    I'm drunk on power. Rubbing alcohol and power.

    • 176
    • FAVS
    JiverturkeyABQCrazedinNYC______BrettArgentrjasonscalesvonbunnieT2Q2______________MissHurricanezinmynewskin
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    YesICan2468JakeBeauchampJonnyJ16SeeEllVeehoneybadgerMelchrisferentinosnerdygirl86joellorens
    IAmAndrewWard
  • TequilaTears
      tequilatears @TequilaTears

    Every time I hear that woman Patti from millionaire matchmaker talk I get that feeling you get when youre holding in diarrhea at a red light

    • 168
    • FAVS
    GarbageMystic__lynaked__DeepDarkFearJulesJuliettaMissHurricanezFrauDammtGaadgette________LaughingLesbian
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    Dorian_DeanKnickersafireLaughingLesbiantwatr19DrinkingGiraffe__DateTomatoDiaperSlingerSaraESpivey
    LaughingLesbianIAmAndrewWardRealJimmySnow____aurorabubbaloo
  • FilthyRichmond
      Jocelyn Plums @FilthyRichmond

    My secret to serving perfect pancakes is to keep them nice and warm under our dead grandma's old heating pad.

    • 138
    • FAVS
    michelle_angusBellaRae_StephenBCramerTheWonderClam____WhoCuppedMyCake__DirlyGirlyrachiecandiceFallun_Angel__
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    ShoutingGoddessbodyhead1128wordjitsufavstar1000favsnbosik____________JackSquatus_Thats_All_srgrussing
    IAmAndrewWard
@IAmAndrewWard

@IAmAndrewWard

Editorial, PR & Writer for AOL. Contributor for @DJOYbeat. Featured on @TheRichest_com and @VibeMagazine. Don't take these tweets too seriously. #CFC

Tweets that @IAmAndrewWard has recently awarded the Tweet of the Day.