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A trampoline with a net around it says, "I love my kids just enough to injure them but not kill them."
Pro tip: Drug dealers don't carry pens to check counterfeit bills.
Never judge a book by its cover! Unless it's Mein Kampf. Then you're probably ok.
My life is basically just one long porn movie but without the cameras & the sex & the boobs & the huge dick & the house & the happiness.
Sometimes I wish I were a smoker so I could stand outside a party and still have it count as attending.
If the Saints beat the Lions, there's gonna be riots in Detroit.
If the Lions beat the Saints, there's gonna be riots in Detroit.
I heard a crinkle in this old guy's pants. I asked him if he wears Huggies or Luvs. He said, "Well, Depends..."
Jazzercise and cocaine becoming popular in the same decade doesn't feel like a coincidence.
Michele Bachmann is out. Marcus Bachmann is not.
I'm beginning work on my next spec script: War Horse 2 - We Bought A Glue Factory
No need to include "maniac" after you say "axe-wielding".
The next person to check this hotel room with a blacklight will find "HELP ME" written in horse ejaculate on the wall. Don't ask.
My wife just saw me try and fail to open a jar of pickles and now she's on hold with a divorce attorney as she signs up for eHarmony.
Why are the carts at Whole Foods so small? There's barely enough room for my self-satisfaction!
Oh God, I just realized that if i was still married I would be in Church right now. Santa works in mysterious ways.
She wanted me to bite her like an apple, but I had to slice her up first so she wouldn't hurt my teeth.
Little is known about Cee Lo Green's brothers, Hear Lo and Speak Lo.
I'm drunk on power. Rubbing alcohol and power.
Every time I hear that woman Patti from millionaire matchmaker talk I get that feeling you get when youre holding in diarrhea at a red light
My secret to serving perfect pancakes is to keep them nice and warm under our dead grandma's old heating pad.
Follow me on Tinder! 1/2 of @Staff_Meeting.
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