Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a woman to fish and it’s nag nag nag. The bait’s gross, the water’s cold, I have to pee.

I'm going to get a tattoo of pants so I never have to get dressed again.

I have this problem where I say what I mean.

Sometimes I eat corn-on-the-cob like it's a typewriter and we all laugh and the kids ask what a typewriter is and I die a little inside.

"Come with me if you want to live." --Things I like to say during sex

I like women’s boobs like I like soccer balls. KIK’d to me.

Sometimes I think about how life is just going to get better and then I laugh and laugh and laugh and drink some more vodka.

If at first you don't succeed, open your mouth a little more.

I'm back bitches!!!

I know, I think I should just sit in a corner too.

I haven't had sex in so long that even a mindfuck is starting to sound really good right now.

I'm going to start a dating website called "Meh, You Get Who You Get."

I’m just smart enough to know exactly what everyone else should and shouldn’t be doing.

You ever just sit around and wonder how many midgets you could fit in your bedroom. I mean, you'd want them to be comfortable and do tricks.

I wouldn't mind having a friend who is a Pharmacist and has a penchant for slightly criminal behavior.

Anal sex seems so final. Like, wrap this one up, her holes have all been used! Take 'er away, boys, bring in the new model.

I could fit like 8 bad decisions in today, but I always leave room for extra because I like to drink.

I’m cleverly hidden behind a facade of myself. Which is also the real me. And the pretend one.

Meanwhile in China:
Erection? What erection? You want buy bags, rady, how about watches?

You might as well laugh because if you don’t you’re just going to cry.

I've done lots of math but it never got me high. I don’t understand drugs.