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I call condoms, candy wrappers. that way the kids don't clue in when i put it on my shopping list.
Bounce! Like your ass has the hiccups.
this is twitter. we all know that "no pun intended" is a lie.
"OOOH! laptop!" -my dogs, right before they tapdance on the keyboard
"why does everything have to be about sex?"
"because it's fucking AWESOME!"
*nobody gets it*
next time you have what you think is an "original thought" google it.
oh my god that's one ugly kid!
people put far too much value on stupid things.
the way things are going, I just might break 200 followers by the time I hit menopause! SWEET!
"if you were my homework i'd slam you on the table and do you all night long." ~no clue who said it
If I don't get a text msg in more than 30 minutes, I assume my phones broken and my friends are panicking because they can't get ahold of me
never thought i would ever have to say "hey! no random shin licking!"
accidently inhaled some powdered carpet deoderizer. Think it will make my breath fresh? or am I gonna die?
"I'm not a witch I'm your wife!"
I am suddenly craving avocado rolls like you wouldn't believe!
OMG i just checked my junk mail, and someone named sarah wants to fuck! OMG OMG how did i miss this before!!
Dear overly friendly customers, flirting will not get u discounts, digits, or preffered customer status. Fuck off!
"jesus died for thier tans"
fat men wearing nothing but paper towels scare me.
This is gonna be a fan-fucking-tastic weekend. I can tell already. It's gonna be hot.
I Am Awesome! And no matter what you say, I always will be Awesome! http://t.co/izhBeDCR