My inner child runs with scissors

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

So I bought myself flowers, dated myself, fucked myself. Just trying to figure out how to dump myself without hurting anyone :/

People say Twitter is a land of lies and illusions. I say, I see more truth here than I do elsewhere in this world.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

If it weren't for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

I don't miss you. I miss who I thought you were

I used to have superpowers… but my therapist took them away :/

Ignorance is a lack of knowledge. Stupidity is ignoring the knowledge you have

Sexy is what's in your head not your dress ;/

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep in until the afternoon.

Maybe, if you weren't quite so self-absorbed, you'd gain an insight into a world far more wonderful than yours

Marriage Vows should just say - "I promise to love you until I don't anymore"

Just remember guys, those really hot "fuck me" shoes she's wearing can also be used to deliver a swift kick to the crotch ;)

Who gives a shit how many followers you have? Really. Guys if I ever beg for anything on here (not counting sex) kill me please :/

You never lose your youth. It lives inside you. And every time you smile it rushes to the surface to remind you it's still there

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity. Coincidence?

How do you miss someone you've never touched? I miss you that's all I know