If you believe your marriage is threatened by two dudes you don't know filing a joint tax return, your marriage is already in trouble.

I think my wife's strategy when purse buying is, if I become homeless, will it be big enough for me to sleep in? #Hesaid

Having sex while we moved the clocks ahead does not mean we did it for an hour and two minutes. #Shesaid

Having sex while we moved the clocks ahead does not mean we did it for an hour and two minutes. #Shesaid #Bestof

Explaining NHL Trade Day to my wife: "It's like deciding who gets the final rose on The Bachelor, but for guys, and it matters." #Hesaid

@brandipassante Got my wife to watch Storage Wars and now she wants you as her new BFF. Here is is (RT if you like) http://t.co/2GzgWVG5

Introduced my husband to our hot new neighbor when he had a bandage on his eye and a fanny pack on his hip. My work here is done. #SheSaid

My wife just got her second red light photo ticket because the first one made her look fat. #Hesaid

Bristol Palin says Obama's bad for marriage. Well said, girl who had premarital sex in a tent with a Playgirl moron who dumped her!

Married couples should have a safe word for "I have no interest in what you're saying." #Hesaid.

When my wife says "I don't care, do whatever you want", it roughly translates into "You'll do exactly what I say." #Hesaid

I know you think it's sexy when I wear nothing but stockings and heels but you in only sneakers and dress socks is doing nothing. #Shesaid

When I said I wanted to marry a man like my dad, I didn't mean the part where he farts when he pees. #SheSaid

Had Boxing Day sex with my husband yesterday. Surprised he waited in line that long. #SheSaid

A quinoa salad, a porn, and a sentence to my wife: three things I have never finished. #Hesaid

Yes, the magnifying mirror in the hotel bathroom makes your penis look porn-star-huge; Now move and let me tweaze my eyebrows. #Shesaid

When they said "in sickness and in health" I thought they meant cancer, not an annoying lingering cough. #Shutup #Shesaid

Who would you run toward, no matter what? Call them, tell them, hug them. And remember: lots of ppl ran toward strangers to help. #Boston

You want a "quickie"? Are you telling me there are other options? #Shesaid

When my husband says "I just did 4 loads!" I'm never sure if he came from the laundry room or the bathroom. #Shesaid