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If you believe your marriage is threatened by two dudes you don't know filing a joint tax return, your marriage is already in trouble.
I think my wife's strategy when purse buying is, if I become homeless, will it be big enough for me to sleep in? #Hesaid
Having sex while we moved the clocks ahead does not mean we did it for an hour and two minutes. #Shesaid
Having sex while we moved the clocks ahead does not mean we did it for an hour and two minutes. #Shesaid #Bestof
Explaining NHL Trade Day to my wife: "It's like deciding who gets the final rose on The Bachelor, but for guys, and it matters." #Hesaid
My wife just got her second red light photo ticket because the first one made her look fat. #Hesaid
Bristol Palin says Obama's bad for marriage. Well said, girl who had premarital sex in a tent with a Playgirl moron who dumped her!
Married couples should have a safe word for "I have no interest in what you're saying." #Hesaid.
When my wife says "I don't care, do whatever you want", it roughly translates into "You'll do exactly what I say." #Hesaid
I know you think it's sexy when I wear nothing but stockings and heels but you in only sneakers and dress socks is doing nothing. #Shesaid
A quinoa salad, a porn, and a sentence to my wife: three things I have never finished. #Hesaid
Yes, the magnifying mirror in the hotel bathroom makes your penis look porn-star-huge; Now move and let me tweaze my eyebrows. #Shesaid
When they said "in sickness and in health" I thought they meant cancer, not an annoying lingering cough. #Shutup #Shesaid
You want a "quickie"? Are you telling me there are other options? #Shesaid
When my husband says "I just did 4 loads!" I'm never sure if he came from the laundry room or the bathroom. #Shesaid
I Thee Tweet. The He said/She said tweets of a real-life married couple, comedy writing team. I DO ALREADY IS NOW AVAILABLE IN SITCOM PILOT SIZE.