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Pro Tip: Don't try and flirt with the dental hygenist. Ain't nobody got game while wearing a tissue bib.
Okay, so here's what I don't get: Laid.
The Ninja Turtles were created by an "ooze" in the sewer. Sometimes wonder how many hybrid creatures I've fathered via my shower antics.
I think I'm going to put on my sexy jeans today. And by sexy, I mean clean.
Why am I so tired today? I mean, I went to work, but it's not like I did any.
I'm done with "Fuck off". From now on, it's "Fuck on!" Kind of like "Rock on!", but instead of flipping The Bird, I'll throw The Shocker.
Okay, so here's what I don't understand: foreign languages.
Who me? Just accounting for my hours at work, or as some people call it; lying.
I couldn't tweet and drive. Already have one hand on the wheel and one at my crotch, and I fear I may have an accident if I don't steer.
Weekends are great for reconnecting with your repressed spousal rage.
I've never surprised anyone with buttsex. I figured it would be a shitty gift.
Home (adjective) Home.
Some people say that talking out problems with family members will make things better. This has not been my experience.
Writing a poem for a girl. What rhymes with "brains out"?
Good morning, Monday. Can you be a dear and at least spit on it first? Thanks.
And on the 6th day, Satan created the buffet.
Listen Produce Boy. You can stack the apples bruise-side down all day long. I'm still gonna check. You're just wasting your time and mine.
My mouth tastes like the floor of a Wal*Mart restroom. Well played, Monday.
Today's Revelation: The best thing about public showers? Public masturbation.
I'm totally eating Cinderella right now. She tastes sweet. #sadlyitsacookie
Ego and Super-ego? Fuck those guys, man. They're pussies.