Employee appreciation day. Bowling. Without booze. I always suspected I'd die in an alley, but this isn't what I had in mind.

My pal Jim is trying to stop swearing in front of his 7-yr old. Dropped jar of pickles, it broke
Jim:..
Maddie: Daddy you forgot to say fuck

That guy is such a drunk. Every time I'm in this bar he's here.

i gave up television in the hopes that I would read more. It's actually just made masturbation less spontaneous.

bah. premature tweet. i swear this has never happened to me before...you want a kleenex or something?

For the last time, people. Loan is a noun. Lend is a verb. Aloan is an adjective used to describe grammar nazis on Saturday night.

My assistant knows I judge my day by how many glasses of wine I need when I get home.

"How many glasses tonight?"

"Vodka."

Your car hates it when you anthropomorphize it.

Yeah, she has self-esteem issues. It's not that she's bulimic, she just counts sticking her finger down her throat as touching herself.

I don't know what went wrong with my campaign. I did a lot of retail politics. Door to door, kissing hands and shaking babies.

I've been informed that the correct nomenclature is not "tighty-whities" but rather "grippers".

Sad: Girl who follows me stopped starring my stuff after she started tweeting about her boyfriend. Sadder: I noticed this.

I love word games.When I have kids I want to give one a palindromic name. Like "Bob". Or "Anna". Or "Go hang a salami I'm a lasgna hog"

I'm choosing to interpret "insert witty retort" as a euphemism. I'm modest, that way.

Is wine and ice cream a thing? I think I'm having my period...

Nat'l Coming Out Day makes me wish I were gay. I need a way to alienate my family, and get some peace & quiet. Also, better fashion, dancing

Growing up in whitebread midwest fed my Jewish girl fetish. Passover is like Spring Break to me, with fewer blowjobs, more 401(k) questions

I stopped talking to him 10 years ago, so I don't have the slightest fucking clue what MY Dad says.

Roast chicken is my comfort food, so my depression has a body count. A delicious poultry body count.

Fat, drunk and stupid is a GREAT way to go through a wall, though.