Candy Crush Saga is just gay Bejeweled (if that's even possible)

I see you manually retweeted me.

I go to your timeline and see nothing but normal retweets of other people.

You hate me, don't you?

I'm on your moms urine drugs

@igotssmarts fuck it, one syllable if you really love 'murca

Look, this "teach a man to fish" thing is a scam set in place by the bait & tackle industry. Here, have a tilapia.

What's on your "Are These Drafts Funny Enough To Tweet?" Playlist?

Flirt all you want sunglasses sales lady. I'm just writing down this model number. Lol I swear when I started writing this it was fucking go

Born too late to own a pet velociraptor. :-(

A final kickstarter to end every kickstarter in the world.

If I had a bigger family I'd spread the blame out.

Microwaves should have a mute button for stealthy snacking.

When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.

"Never trust a butthead and a smile." - Bell Biff Devoe

I have afoot fetish. When trouble is afoot, I become very interested very quickly.

"Why don't we just take a little break?" = "Let's end this thing in slow motion while we put our mouths on new people's genitalia"

Until hoodies fit comfortably over astronaut helmets, there will be no teens in space.

Boobs shouldn't look like an airbag that's been deployed.

"Black Analangus" is a restaurant that I would not eat at.

Tonight's secret ingredient on Iron Chef America is tampons.

*Walking around my home establishing my dominance*