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is your mom white and gold or blue and black
"I'm off the clock." - someone who's overcome their addiction to time.
I miss award shows.
Nothing worse than a procrastinating sloth.
Turnt down for only pennies a day.
My apologies to guys named Sean, whom I've been calling Shawn all these years.
Blue cheese is just cheese that's on antidepressants.
HONEY, I MADE THE KIDS WANG CHUNG TONIGHT
Dance like everyone knows you peed your pants.
Live long and prosper, Leonard.
I stay away from Twitter for one day and it devolves into a debate about the color of a dress.
From my family and myself, thanks for all the kind words. Bad puns will return soon, I promise.
"There's nothing to see here." - The Invisible Man looking into a mirror.
As seen in @playboy, @mandatory, @pleatedjeans, @theCHIVE, etc. I was on a podcast once: http://bit.ly/18zxVBHiuuyyb
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