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The biggest problem with forming a garage band is finding a garage that can play guitar.
The world is a gecko.
Nasacort if it's a boy, Flonase if it's a girl.
Covered myself with sour cream and tomatoes just so I can say I'm a supreme being.
Your love is like bad medicine. It gives me hives, a rash and makes me itch.
An app that shows you everywhere you flipped someone the bird.
Jerk chicken is just chicken that sticks a "Kick Me!" sign on your back.
There's no law that limits the number of eyebrows you can have.
Don't let anybody tell you otherwise; you deserve the guac.
Girl you must be a pomegranate because I don't know what to do with you.
Fridays were invented by the Friday industry in order to sell more Fridays.
What idiot goes through the desert and doesn't name his horse?
Why weren't the authorities called to check in on all the children who lived with the old woman in a shoe?
An elephant never forgets the time you failed to address it in the room.
BREAKING NEWS: Photographer takes pictures with camera that uses film. More details as they develop.
Spider-Man posting selfies to his Peter Parker Facebook account by mistake.
Fiscal year in the streets, calendar year in the sheets.
The way Bill Cosby shoves spoonfuls of corn flakes into his mouth, it's like he's a cereal rapist.
I've got plenty of time on my hands thanks to this exploding watch.
I'm the worst at doing things I don't know how to do.
I only have 26 letters to work with. Don't expect any miracles. I was on a podcast once: http://bit.ly/18zxVBH