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The Fonz only eats at restaurants that the health department have given a grade of "Ay!".
They say the Lord has plans for us but I still haven't received an invite to his Labor Day BBQ party.
"Kanye West residence, Kanye speaking."
"Can I speak to Kanye?"
"Sorry, Kanye's not here."
In the time it took for you to read this tweet your avocado went bad.
I can count on no hands the number of times I've been asked to be a guest on a podcast.
You never hear anyone admit that they grew up on the right side of town.
Teaching bears the proper way to cook porridge.
Thinking about getting a barbed wire tattoo around my neck so people won't try to steal my head.
Never thought I'd be in Playboy because my breasts are too small, but I made it. Thanks, @gloriafallon123! http://www.playboy.com/articles/twitter-wisdom-08-28-2014 …
Watching preseason football because I've accomplished everything I ever wanted to do with my life.
Shout out to people who don't know what word the letters O, U and T spell.
"Look at this asshole!" - a proud proctologist.
"I'm so stuffed!" - teddy bears.
No, you misunderstood. When I texted you <3, I was actually telling you I've eaten less than three burritos so far today.
Every woman looks like a Rachel to me. I guess I'm guilty of Rachel profiling.
Remember when Hello Kitty was a cat? What the fuck was that about?
My monkey butler won't stop flinging poo at me.
Someone who studies hipster clothing should be called an Anthropologieist.
This nap isn't going to take itself.
I only have 26 letters to work with. Don't expect any miracles.