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"Use the Fords, Luke!" - Obi-Wan Kenobi, American car enthusiast.
*sniffs baby* hey, your kid is spoiled
Beards are just face pubes.
Never trust guys named Buddy.
Uma Thurman is my favorite actress named Uma.
Blarts & Crafts
Welcome to Misheard Lyrics Club. If anybody needs to go, there's a bathroom on the right.
It seems like only yesterday it was the day before today.
Those who don't fav history are destined to retweet it.
A hairdresser should be somebody who makes dresses out of hair.
I'm waiting for People Magazine to release their list of their 100 Most Influential Times.
I saw a preview for a trailer of a sneak peek of a movie that's coming out one day. It was a photograph.
This tweet was photoshopped to make it look thinner.
Gonna start a Rush cover band and call it Limbaugh.
"I'm plastered!" - walls.
Today's your day, people who wear Statue of Liberty costumes outside tax preparer offices. Go out and make the best of it!
you guys ever hear of sleep
Math is one of three things I'm bad at. I forget what the other one is.
As seen in @playboy, @mandatory, @pleatedjeans, @theCHIVE, etc. I was on a podcast once: http://bit.ly/18zxVBHiuuyyb
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