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I’m tired of my imaginary friends putting me on blast.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse. Thanks for following.
I wonder if Luka still lives on the second floor.
If you ever go out dining with Miley Cyrus, make sure to ask her what’s good.
Welcome to Don’t Ask Any Questions Club. Are there any questions?
*raises hand* Yes, I…
Please leave. Now.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, poop is from Uranus.
This is a reminder for those of you who need reminding.
Told my dog to play dead and he put on "Truckin'."
If you go fishing and catch Steven Tyler you’re required to throw him back.
Just thinking about how much money penguins save on tuxedo rental fees.
I took a shower once when I was a kid but my parents found out and made me give it back.
Diarrhea runs in my family.
Maybe Mr. Mister was singing about buffalo wings, you don’t know.
Im in the middle of my vacation, but I just wanted to come on here and remind everyone of butts.
I’m on my way to Disneyland for a week. Anybody need anything while I’m there?
I’ll take “Why Are We Still Here?” for $200, Alex.
As seen in @playboy, @mandatory, @pleatedjeans, @theCHIVE, etc. I was on a podcast once: http://bit.ly/18zxVBHiuuyyb
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