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Just realized the definition of the word “word” is made up of words and now I have a headache.
“I’m having Meat Loaf tonight.” - cannibal who only eats singers.
The world would be a better place if everybody could take a nap at the same time.
They should turn that Game of Thrones show into a book.
I wish someone would unplug me for at least ten seconds then plug me back in.
Sorry I’m late, my Brexit broke down.
No, I don’t want to try your new sandwich.
When life gives you lemons, nobody really cares.
If Bon Jovi’s farewell album isn’t called Bon Voyage then what’s the point?
Anyone who tells you farting isn’t funny is a goddamn liar.
I just bought Gawker for a roll of breath mints and two old copies of National Enquirer.
Imagine being happy and knowing it.
The Ferris Wheel was named after its inventor, Robert Wheel.
“Not that I’m complaining…” - people who are complaining.
I don’t trust any psychic who advertises.
Imagine being as racist as a Chinese detergent ad.
As seen in @playboy, @mandatory, @pleatedjeans, @theCHIVE, etc. I'm very hungry. Could you give me some lunch?
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