A snake slithers into a bar only to be turned away because of the bar’s “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” policy.

The T. rex became extinct because it couldn’t hold it’s liquor.

I see eventually dead people.

You piss 100 percent of the shots you drink.

HOT SENIORS AT YOUR LOCAL WALMART ARE DYING TO GREET YOU!!!

What’s the GMT offset for Peanut Butter Jelly Time?

“When I say nuts, you say ‘ACK!’” #ReplaceSongLyricsWithNutsACK

And I say to myself, what a wonderful squirrel.

Why don’t you make like a tree and offset global warming?

I’m in great shape for a person twice my age.

Five hours of energy? In this economy???

My podcast can beat up your podcast.

I think I paid too much for this muffler, I can still hear the screams coming from the trunk.

Can’t help feeling guilty every time I drive my car past a horse.

Hello, my lies are up here!

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hamsters.

Death only makes not living official.

If you get on an elevator at ground level and get off at the 2nd floor then you know what it’s like to have sex with me.

I feel like my best tears are ahead of me.

I once passed the dutchie on the right hand side and was subsequently shunned from society.