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"911, what's your emergency?" "There's a fly in my house!" "Stay calm, we're sending the SWAT team."
I have plenty of squirrel friends but none that I can actually call my squirrelfriend.
The 1990s called. They would have faxed but your machine hasn't worked in 20 years.
I grew up for this???
*approaches women sitting by the side of the road with a stalled car*
“Can we get a little help? We’ve got Pepsi!”
Maybe you can't even because deep down inside you don't want to even.
Girl are you an open mic night cuz I think I would bomb after talking to you for five minutes.
I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you have eyes.
Making a Chipotle burrito do a strip tease for me.
*cuts end off a sock* here's a sweater for your snake.
Will I be able to understand the new Hobbit movie if I've ever had sex?
Rage Against The Answering Machine
Christmas was invented by the Christmas industry in order to sell more Christmases.
General Tso's chickens has to be the worst army ever.
First name Last, last name Of The Mohicans.
“Wahhhhh, I’m empty!” - whine glass.
idk what an acronym is and idgaf
The worst part of being named Hugh has to be the constant accusations of letting the dogs out.
"What if we take a floor and put it over our head?" - the inventor of ceilings.
Hello flatulence my old friend.
As seen in @playboy, @mandatory, @pleatedjeans, @theCHIVE, etc. I was on a podcast once: http://bit.ly/18zxVBHiuuyyb