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“A rapist. A thief. An immigrant. A dirty Mexican.” - Donald Trump taking a Rorschach test.
Go away, people who are traveling in the opposite direction as me.
It’s not U.S.A., it’s Me.S.A.
who called it a neckwear factory and not tieland
Can’t talk right now, my pet eagle’s escaped.
Good Cop: Sir, please get off the lawn.
Granddad Cop: GET OFF MY LAWN!
Before the discovery of electricity all lightbulbs were acoustic.
Happy Dog’s Worst Nightmare Day!
We built this city on rock and roll and now it’s uninhabitable.
My spirit animal just took a dump in my living room.
I see chemtrails whenever I eat at Taco Bell.
It’s not you, it’s me, lying about how it’s not you.
Thank you for calling Bovines R Us. Your cow is very important to us. Please hold.
"I saw the light!" - russian guy cutting a lamp in half.
We see you, middle-aged people with dreadlocks.
What’s the best way to chop up a body? Axing for a friend.
“It’s 17:00 somewhere!” - drunk military guy.
Who’s your favorite pooh? Mine’s Winnie.
As seen in @playboy, @mandatory, @pleatedjeans, @theCHIVE, etc. I was on a podcast once: http://bit.ly/18zxVBHiuuyyb
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