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Siri, am I a piece of shit?
Fleek not, lest ye be on fleek.
Smokey Bear is the reason I have a prescription for Xanax.
*to airline ticket agent* Oh, this animal carcass? It’s my carrion luggage.
Waiting For Godot To Text Me Back
Listen buddy, I know the difference between a dolphin and a porpoise. You're a porpoise.
Any bed can be a deathbed if it lands on top of you.
We're all God's creatures, except Chad. Fuck him.
Windshield wipers, but for memories.
I'm old enough to be somebody's relative.
A store that only sells mouthwash called Bad Breath and Beyond.
It must suck to be a Muslim, knowing you have little piggies on the ends of your feet.
A young kangaroo is called a Joey. A young ass is called a Chandler.
Potassium is just tassium that has no money.
Those Snapple caps saved my marriage.
As seen in @playboy, @mandatory, @pleatedjeans, @theCHIVE, etc. I was on a podcast once: http://bit.ly/18zxVBHiuuyyb