Wearing crocs is like masturbating in public: You're only pleasing yourself, and the rest of us are disgusted by you.

Ball so hard @whataburger try to fry me.

Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga
Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga
Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga
Because I can.

My theory is if you meet enough people on Twitter one of them has to be Halle Berry in disguise. Just a waiting game

Is it weird that when I imagine girls using tampons, I hear their vagina's going "Nom nom nom nom?"

A good girl lets you love her. A bad girl makes you prove it.

Does hating hipsters before it was cool to hate hipsters make me a hipster?

I know my music was too loud, but what do I do if I want everyone to know today I'm high like a G6?

I've been making milkshakes all day, and there is still no one in my yard :(

#onceyougetmarriedyoucant wait to tweet about how awful it is apparently.

"Those aren't the 'Droids you're looking for." - Salesman Kenobi to me at Radio Shack.

The most interesting thing about this tweet is that it features 14 t's.

I'm disturbed at what it would take to disturb you people.

I rubbed my leather couch and got a boner. This is how fetishes are born.

I don't know what's worse, this telemarketer or knowing she is imagining me naked.

There's nothing gay about sharing a Twizzler with your buddy, but for safety's sake say, "No homo" when your lips meet in the middle.

Sometimes the only way to get the girl is to go to college, get a degree, make money, build a suit of iron, and grow a goatee.

Casey Anthony is the most hated person in America according to Inside Edition. Lex Luthor seen in tears, whispering, "Always a bridesmaid."

What were Skeletor's parents, a skeleton and a bodybuilder?

The only good mamajama is a bad mamajama.