i starfuck the shit out of everyone all the time could i get a occasional reach around here?

do you think that sometimes superman looks at batman and robin and says really? give me a fucking break.

my computer kicked my ass at chess but i ruled in swimming

Ever think you have the ultimate tweet. Rush home fire up fav tweet device write it, hit send button wait for the shower of stars...nothing.

ok ladies i am now gay so feel free to undress in front of me...

dear scissors...i feel your pain no one will run with me either...your friend sarah palin

Sometimes I day dream about the monkey my wife wont let me have riding the mini pig my wife wont let me have.

FI. I don't mind coming to work everyday, but this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit!

To new people on Twitter who are excited and think this is awesome. It won't take long for us to quash your excitement and steal your soul.

I am married to a woman and I am Christian but I support gay marriage cause love is love how can that be wrong.

2 Ugly chunky tatooed women on the news are pole dancing for Jesus. upon hearing this Jesus said ''uh..no thanks I'm good''

Let's face it we are all funnier at night when we're drinking.

if todays no bra day....hold on while i find my squirt gun

Why in the world would anyone take a laxative when there's Burger Kings everywhere?

if women in jeans and cut off tees with pony tails ever find out their total power they have over me i am screwed

my laptop keeps warning me to back up my files...fuck you computer this dude lives on the edge

redneck spring break...falling off ladder taking down xmas and halloween decorations

the girl locked n my basement has no sense of humor i said put the lotion on the skin or you get the hose again nothing just shivered some

Theres a bird at the feeder that is red, purple, black, and silver and really shiny. Bet he's gay.

Just ordered a Domino's pizza. But what I don't understand is why they asked if I wanted single or double ply toilet paper with it?