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I still suffer from a head injury I received as an inexperienced teen slut.
I don't have a spirit animal because I'm a Catholic and if they found out they would drown it in a river.
Happiness is that second layer of chocolate covered cherries in a box.
One second you tell yourself how lucky it feels to be alive;
but next second, you're already thinking of ways to hasten your demise.
I hate when my dad tells me stories like "When I was your age, I had to walk 2 miles in the snow with no shoes for sex and drugs"...
Live your life in a way that one day in the future when you have your final thoughts you can think to yourself “I had a good run at it”
It was a good day on Twitter. New followers, 50 star tweets, & DMs of utmost importance. Now knock that shit off ~ I don't want to love you.
If someone throws out an ouija board assume it was a mistake and sneak in their house that night to put it back on the table for them.
Horses fucking hate escalators. Even when you tell them you're only going to the second floor of the mall to get both of you Dippin Dots.
Just to be sure, I write "That's You!" on all my mirrors.
Drank eight cokes last night and burped seven up.
I believe the children are our future. I also think...we're fucked.
They arrested Grandpa. Charged him with murder. Seems the reindeer that ran over Grandma was a hired killer from the Elks named Lepke.
Every year, I leave milk and marijuana cookies for Santa, hoping he'll forget to take his bag of toys.
There's a name for sitting around and watching other people do work. It's called management.
Many people say they don’t tweet for stars. Me neither. I tweet for cotton candy and blow-jobs and I’m not stopping till I get me some.
Vodka and Xanax don't mix well? I call bullshit.Look how fast those little fuckers dissolve!
At the North Pole, if Donner invites you for dinner, don't go. Donner parties never turn out well.
When deciding which guy to take home from a gay bar you never want to pick the one who's been drinking dairy based cocktails.