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Going to McDonald's to get a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
Karma is truly kicking me in the balls for being off for 2 1/2 weeks as I'm having to work my ass off, sweating like a dyslexic on cuntdown
I like my women how i like my Italian cruises.......... Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.
I got a sweater for christmas. I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner or even a squirter
Highlight of pet shopping so far is watching the boy run into a pain of glass next to the automatic doors because he was sure it'd open
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity
The mrs swallowed after a blow job for the first time in 5 years last night ! I wonder if its a sign she's coming out of her coma ?
My girlfriend was shocked when she found out that I switched her vibrator with a fucking tazer
Dear Jessie J I don't care if you're feeling sexy and free, you offend my eyes and ears you grotty little dirty chlamydia ridden trollop
#NeverTrustAGuyWho asks what your favourite colour of duct tape is
Tonight I begin my new career as a chinese Lionel Richie impersonator, because I'm nice here's a preview. Herro is it me your rooking ror
After waking on the couch I now have a spinal chord that is twisted, paracetamol won't fix it so I'm off to find some dolphins to swim with
If you're employed as office staff is it your job description to be a grade A cunt with delusions of grandeur or is this just where I work
Its pissin me off now how normal sized female celebs feel the need to become dangerously thin to feel attractive. Men like real shaped women
If you cant spell the word love please do not substitute the word for this <3 as it just looks like a sideways scrotum
What happens to the nipples off chicken breasts ?
The McCanns must love this time of year as home alone will be on the tv and they loose a kid every film making them seem like decent parents
So far the highlight of my day is being propositioned by a male sexual predator to play naked twister and drink gin. Jealous much ladies
To set the record straight people if you put your decorations up before the twelve days of Christmas Jesus and his dad will not be impressed
Making underwear moist and giving my opinion away for free since 1982 mostly because its worth fuck all but partly because I have a nice voice