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I find that best response to "I love you" is "I know, right? I'm AWESOME." And then you skip away.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I hate when you see a loose thread on your underwear and you pull it and it keeps unraveling & unraveling and then suddenly you're in jail.
Sorry guys, but if we go to a 3D movie on a date, there won't be sex after. I can only handle so much stuff flying at my face in one night.
Sometimes I pretend I'm married but husband & kids are away. And are never coming back. Ever. And then I laugh and laugh and do what I want.
My wit is rapier than yours.
You know what makes me crazy?
Neither does my Psychiatrist.
Dear drug store where I buy my birth control: Never again send me an email with the subject line "Do you like surprises?"
I hate it when I enlarge your avatar and it's the same as the guy with his face pressed up against my bedroom window right now.
SO glad my dad only follows me on Facebook.
Whatever, smug 20 year old carrying a 24 of beer. I've probably thrown up more beer than you've even consumed in your lifetime.
Looking forward to the day when we can unfollow people in real life.
Kind of jealous that old black dudes can still use "bad motherfucker" without looking stupid.
I don't think it's a coincidence that chalupas and chihuahuas are roughly the same size.
Sometimes I star your shit even though I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. It's called TRUST, people.
I love that I'm the hottest chick in this dance club. Oh wait... shhh... quiet a minute. My neighbor is banging on my wall to complain.
I guess the Amish probably don't allow power naps.
Technically, my butt is a 3D printer.
I think I get it now. Sarah Palin is your Nickleback, US.
Seriously, don't. And don't touch my stuff either.
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