I find that best response to "I love you" is "I know, right? I'm AWESOME." And then you skip away.

I lost my virginity at a fairly early age, I guess ... but I was tired of living in constant fear of being sacrificed to a volcano.

I hate when you see a loose thread on your underwear and you pull it and it keeps unraveling & unraveling and then suddenly you're in jail.

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Sometimes I pretend I'm married but husband & kids are away. And are never coming back. Ever. And then I laugh and laugh and do what I want.

You know what makes me crazy?


Neither does my Psychiatrist.

Sorry guys, but if we go to a 3D movie on a date, there won't be sex after. I can only handle so much stuff flying at my face in one night.

Dear drug store where I buy my birth control: Never again send me an email with the subject line "Do you like surprises?"

My wit is rapier than yours.

SO glad my dad only follows me on Facebook.

Whatever, smug 20 year old carrying a 24 of beer. I've probably thrown up more beer than you've even consumed in your lifetime.

Kind of jealous that old black dudes can still use "bad motherfucker" without looking stupid.

I hate it when I enlarge your avatar and it's the same as the guy with his face pressed up against my bedroom window right now.

Looking forward to the day when we can unfollow people in real life.

Sometimes I star your shit even though I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. It's called TRUST, people.

I don't think it's a coincidence that chalupas and chihuahuas are roughly the same size.

I love that I'm the hottest chick in this dance club. Oh wait... shhh... quiet a minute. My neighbor is banging on my wall to complain.

Also, don't follow me just because I follow you. I know I need to earn your love. Also, I don't really give a fuck.

Why, hackers? Did you just wake up one day and think "Gonna fuck as many people's shit up as possible"? Wait, that does sound kind of cool.

I think I get it now. Sarah Palin is your Nickleback, US.