If It's true most women end up like their mother. I wonder when my wife is going to stop brushing her hair and wear macaroni necklaces.

I enjoy the outdoors but im not climbing a fucking rock for free.

I don't have to physically go to the store with my wife she calls every 2 minutes to make me shop with her any way.

My kids forget to lift their feet to walk up stairs they just walk into them and fall down. They're so much like their mother.

I hold my farts until the elevator door closes and say can anyone else smell something burning.

If I had boobs. I would crash my car all the time to.

I'll just do the Carlton until I puke like every new years

I liked work more when my boss thought I was LDS and avoided me.

I appreciate that... Do you appreciate my appreciation? Oh I'm the bad guy now for asking.

Next time you eat a piece of fruit don't forget to think about all the pickers that piss on those tree's.

My wife's security questions at the bank, what was your high school mascot? My answer a Badger, NO is it a Gremlin, NO...ok Fuck I'm weird.

I thought LMFAO was Kevin federline's rap group. I figured he was paying people to play this shit.

The W's I don't use at work. who, why, when, where. I'll say WHAT a 100 times until they go away though.

I have a super power but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing to fart every third step while running.

If you see me in those jeans with the big silver stitching and buttons on the pockets. please beat the shit out of me cause that's not ok

I bet Joe flacco would have won... if he wasn't so focused on keeping that Merkin on his face.

When I was younger I loved beer and vagina... Now I know it just makes you hung over and stinky...

Christmas morning over now to relax with the other sweet meat...HAM

If my calculation is correct. A fart happens every 2 minutes 37 seconds in my house.

Morning, mourning whatever they both suck