Everyone else is getting married & I'm all, "Oh hey guys, I've been eating frosting out of the container for dinner every night this week."

How’s everyone holding up out there? It’s crazy here. I’ve killed like 10 zombies. I'm just confused as to why they're all carrying candy?

You're worth the lack of sleep.

after last night I realize I have someone named "Chili's dude I think" in my phone. Under notes it says "can hook up free chips& salsa."

My idea of an adrenaline rush is making it to McDonalds just before breakfast ends.

I've finally become "that friend with the pool." I don't know if I'm ready for this kind of power...

I just set my ringtone to sound like an ice cream truck. This should be fun.

SOME OF YOU ARE DOCTORS?? That scares the shit out of me.

Guys ask me out on dates & I decline then complain about not having a boyfriend & end up crying while I watch You've Got Mail alone.

Because of this cold I have, I've lost my voice. And now it seems I've become the perfect woman.

It's 2012. Why do we still have raisins in our trail mix?

Some people call it "Road Rage." I call it "Automobile Tourettes."

"Hurry! Put your headphones in so no one tries to make conversation with you!"- my internal thought process while boarding the bus

Lets get real. Dennys waitresses don't get paid enough to deal with me right now.

I'm drunk texting my grandma.

i love this. pic.twitter.com/TdCEL6U

Why is it that as soon as I'm around a cop I suddenly start stressing over the 5 non-existent illegal immigrants I'm hiding in my backpack?

I'm going on a date with a dentist's son. I've already brushed my teeth like, ten times so far today.

Bear fact Wednesday: Give a bear a fish, feed him for 5 minutes. Teach a bear to fish, you wasted your time because they already know how.

Isn't it a great feeling to see someone you once were crazy over and to think, "damn. Was I on drugs that whole time, or what?"