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When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but I need something that works on assholes.
To all the women who unfollowed me after my direct messages, it doesn't 'have' to be anal!
I should make another account for the funnier versions of my tweets that become obvious to me seconds after I hit publish.
Just like the car, my dick is not 'small.' It's 'smart.'
What a fortunate coincidence, the girl who ate Christina Aguilera can sing too!
I love my ex mother in law. She was the only one against me marrying her daughter and I should have listened.
Sliding across the hood of a car while chasing a bad guy is so on my bucket list.
I expressed myself to this chick through interpretive dance. Unfortunately, she understood what I was saying and pepper sprayed me.
You know you have a problem when they're so used to you at the bar that you get TV remote control privileges.
If manliness is measured by car knowledge I'm a 6 year old girl that's crying because she got the wrong barbie doll for birthday.
Every time someone knocks on the door I say a quick prayer that it's Gandalf asking me to go on an adventure.
We're so lucky that sitting down doesn't cause some sort of ass cancer.
I have a pact with the worker at the gas station. I ask for the extra large condoms as loud as I can and he gives me the kind I really need.
Ladies, batteries are bad for the environment. Sex is eco friendly. Do the right thing.
I was having the shittiest day up until, you're not gonna believe this, I discovered a new pocket on my jacket!
I like to fake a yawn when I'm in a group in hope it makes someone else yawn, too. Evil genius, I know.
Emma Stone is becoming too famous. People are starting to recognize her when I open the wallet and show them "a photo of my girlfriend."
I bought this funeral bouquet, it was cheaper. Flowers are flowers, right?
Breakups aren't that bad because at the end they always come clean and admit it's them and not me. Being this great is a burden, I tell ya.