I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye

We should remove all warning labels and let natural selection take it's course

This tiny plastic sword that fell out of my bra makes me wonder if there is a tiny pirate crushed in my bed.

Fancy Ketchup pisses me off.

never trust a fugly girl with a tiny dog

My hair reeks of smoke, Cap'n Morgan, and, ranch dressing. Do I know how to party, or what?

They say you’re not supposed to give chocolate to dogs. I have a feeling that’s a bullshit rumor started by cats.

God loves you. But, I'm his favorite.

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.

I wonder who the people of Nantucket make fun of?

As much as I appreciate the police escort...shouldn't they be in FRONT of me??

As much as I think about junk...........you'd think I was a hoarder

When life hands you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Scraping frost off my window with a cassette case, cops are wrapping crime scene tape around my neighbor's trailer. Another day in paradise.

come closer...closer...I am apparently the d-bag whisperer.

I should have named my three kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they mess up, I could just hit them all at once.

Why is it that I never get a text notification to join a flash mob? Unless there is beads involved, of course...

You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore...

"I'm not like most girls" -Most Girls

I always get a sick rush when I see an ex has been arrested. I know, you're asking yourself," how is it ,again, that you're single, Tami!?