If ur angry & ur bitter, clap your hands. If ur angry & ur bitter and u vent ur shit on twitter, if ur angry & ur bitter, clap ur hands.

Travel back in time and give high fives to people who have no idea what it means.

How many lives can I ruin today? The answer is (as always): at least my own.

Is your vagina an innie or an outie?

*fap* *fap* *fap* *fap*

Fuck off. It's the baseball card I pegged to my bike wheel.

*fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap*

"Who Unfollowed Me?" A board game by Milton-Bradley

"That's so Raven!"
-Edgar Allen Poe

Diabetes almost sounds like a Greek philosopher.

Sext: ...Who is this?

So WHITE penguins are all like: *waddle, waddle, waddle*
and BLACK penguins are all like: *waddle, waddle, waddle*

THERE'S GOING TO BE OLD BRO DUDES AS GRANDPA'S IN 40-50 YEARS AND THEY'RE ALL GONNA SAY "WHOA BRO." AND GRANDMA'S WILL SAY "LIKE OMG LOL" :(

King Midas jerked off only once. And it was a money shot worth his weight in gold.

@xboxsupport Ok. So. I plugged it in. (check) I power-cycled it. (check) I put the disc in the tray. (check) what now? http://t.co/bJva5bqm

I've got your soul.
Where?
There; diagonally.
Pretty sneaky, satan.

You've got waaayyyyy too much cock in your mouth to be a vegan.

#HalloweenCostumeIdeas Sexy Stephen Hawking

I wonder if you can hire the Insane Clown Posse to do kids' birthday parties....

*sends a raven out to give you all the best sexts of your lives*

Dear tweeters, if your gender appears vague to me, then your gender is what I assign you to be.

Purring kittens are nature's white noise machines.