Just passed a guy yelling at a dead cat and thought, if I'm not already, wish I was following him on Twitter

The gay, Japanese chef at my work just told me, in broken English that my coworker has a fat pussy. There's a joke in there somewhere

Just started Twitter and I have to say, all you bitches are way funnier than all the real douchebags I know on Facebook

Just started Twitter but I think I'm a natural cuz I have thumbs, a smart phone and I'm a fan of vagina

I whispered to everyone that we should rush the gate at a "quiet riot" show

My toilets been running for the past 2 hours. Take that thirsty African kid

Fat people are funny. Damn you auto-correct, I ment fat. Fat people are fat

I love south Florida. Breakfast n bloody Mary's! Right by da beach. Fuck yo couch

Imagine if there were no more payphone's or Tab cola

My phone wants to change real to teal? Even when I hit
'R' teal is the first option. Must have something to do with chickens and gayness

Commas are for douches that smoke bathing suits dry and hide their feet http://t.co/DeQok696

storage unit lease says I can't store bodies or grills. What am I gonna do with all these bodies & does anyone wanna buy a kick ass grill?

Is it wrong that I just made out with the bar tender just cuz she was hot and had an awesom story bout beat'n some bitches ass last night?

Sext: That time when my superpower is Betty Whites face on a ladybug, bitches love ladybugs. Wait, what am I doing? Oh yeah CUNT

Fuck you pelican, you win this time.

Hermaphrodite sext: I wanna put my vagenis in your pegina

#FF @cecepleasants @duplicitron They put the "hilarious" in "abnormally obtuse hillbillies"

@mr_no_pants sorry buddy. I know, sometimes it's harder than loosing a friend

@heidics I wear my "special" pants just for that occasion, every time I fly.

@thetobbie ur tweet made me do that lol shit, so I star/RT'd it. Then i saw this? Im new to twitter so we can do this? pic.twitter.com/w9arpr4i