#inaghettohouse u better put some water in that shampoo bottle and shake it up, no wasting around here.

in Soviet Russia, sexy isn't back.... it was never authorized to leave.

You wanna know when using a taser on your friends isn't funny?






Never.

Irony is reading a conversation on Facebook about how Twitter is a waste of time.

I need to stop telling people about Twitter so I can talk about them on it.

I used to be so nervous to buy condoms when I was younger. Now I make sure to high five as many people as possible on the way out.

While joking with a friend today he said, " I'll delete your twitter."


Shit got real serious real fast.

I bet church is going to be awkward as fuck Sunday.

I can't tell you the last time I took a shower..... And didn't pee in it

You know whats great? Foreheads that touch my stomach.

Pro tip: Shit on the toilet backwards and you have a table to eat your food on.

If I were in the ARMY and someone saved my life or took a bullet for me, I damn sure wouldn't care if they were gay or not. #DontaskDontTell

Stop following and then unfollowing to get my attention. I noticed you weren't funny the first time.

Maybe I should've taken my name off my twitter account BEFORE I told the interviewer, "Google me, bitch."

When I worked as a cashier I always handed ppl loose change before paper money first, because I'm not a fucking dick.

Ive never been rich, but snorting powdered sugar of this barbies ass sure helps me feel the part.

I sent a bitch a smiley face.... Bitches love smiley faces.

Not a lesbian? Just add alcohol

if i follow you, chances are ive stalked you in some way shape or form. BRIGHT SIDE..... someone loves you.

Oh, no. Don't "leave Twitter." But, if you must, for the love of God, PLEASE post a long explanation. So our children can know your story.