Dating a stripper is like eating noisy chips in church..everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

In 2009 we lost micheal jackson, now we have lost neil armstrong. We are seriously running out of moonwalkers

use sarcasm at work, because slapping the shit out of people is frowned upon by management..

Since Lance Armstrong has come clean I think it's only fair that Venus and Serena Williams admit that they're brothers

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I'm warning you. don't mess with me! I know Karate, Kung fu, Judo, Tae Kwon Do, Jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words...

Marine Corp Rule 05: Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be safe

During sex you burn the same amount of calories as running five miles.. Who the fuck runs five miles in thirty seconds

love me or leave me..HEY!!! Where the fuck are you going!?!?!?!

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some fucking good ideas!

I think that Santa is always so jolly because he knows exactly where all the bad girls live :-)

I changed my car's horn to the sound of gunshots. People move out my way really quick now. What a great idea Don. Back pat for me

The kids across the street challenged me to a water fight, so I'm currently boiling the water.

A little necrophilia never killed anyone.

Let's be friends with shower benefits.

I gotta tell you that your boobs really bring out my eyes

the first rule of I-Phone club is tell everybody about I-Phone club..

Girl I honestly feel that you are not mentally or emotionally damaged enough for me...sorry

I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked.