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I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me
Got any mustard to go with that sausage?
Show us your balls!
Get your ass in that garage and build me a deck
Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero
That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
Don't ever trust girls. They will say anything to get you to suck their tits.
Every time I try to walk into an Anthropologie, the salesgirls smell my poverty and see my fat thighs and they beat me with brooms
TWITTER GIRLS: IF WE ALL SYNC UP OUR PERIODS, WE CAN DROWN THE INTERNET IN A RIVER OF BLOOD
my favorite game is called "Secret Family." I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
welcome to Olive Garden! when you're here, you're family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can't you be more like your sister
The girl kept her eyes on the ground as the cashier rang up her cat litter & tampons. "I have a lot of internet friends," she whispered.
today I saw my ex so I quickly picked up my phone & shouted HELLO, BEYONCE? BEYONCE FROM THE HIT MUSICAL GROUP DESTINY'S CHILD? then I ran
THE WOMAN IN THIS PORNO IS A MORON. HER PIZZA IS GOING TO BE COLD BY THE TIME SHE'S DONE HAVING SEX WITH THE DELIVERY GUY
1. Birth 2. School 3. Work 4. Marriage 5. Kids 6. More work 7. Death 8. Re-birth as spider 9. Spin some sick ass webs
Jesus, Adele. Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.
Dance like you aren't depressed. Sing like you didn't kill that homeless guy. Love like you don't have herpes.
saw a prettier, taller, thinner girl at the bank so I immediately urinated to demonstrate submission
I've never been to Coachella but I once got drunk and passed out in an Urban Outfitters
if you catch your kid masturbating, close your eyes immediately then walk backwards out of the room while giving em 2 thumbs up