Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.

Don't ever trust girls. They will say anything to get you to suck their tits.

That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.

Every time I try to walk into an Anthropologie, the salesgirls smell my poverty and see my fat thighs and they beat me with brooms

I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me

Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero

my favorite game is called "Secret Family." I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

1. Birth 2. School 3. Work 4. Marriage 5. Kids 6. More work 7. Death 8. Re-birth as spider 9. Spin some sick ass webs

The girl kept her eyes on the ground as the cashier rang up her cat litter & tampons. "I have a lot of internet friends," she whispered.

I hate when people get fake married. RT @kimkardashian I hate when people are fake nice

Dance like you aren't depressed. Sing like you didn't kill that homeless guy. Love like you don't have herpes.

Jesus, Adele. Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.

Being a bad girl nowadays sucks because you have to fuck a bunch of people & do drugs. In the olden days all you had to do was wear pants.

Today's hairstyle is called, "And I didn't brush my teeth either."

if you catch your kid masturbating, close your eyes immediately then walk backwards out of the room while giving em 2 thumbs up

If someone catches you staring blankly into space & asks you what you're looking at, shush them & whisper "ghost porn."

Yes I'm on birth control. It's called "my face"

Drinking game: take a shot every time someone tweets about the election! (I've been dead for 6 hours)

If I could go back & do it all again, I would put dog teeth under my pillow & scare the shit out of my parents

I've never been to Coachella but I once got drunk and passed out in an Urban Outfitters