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Drinking game: take a shot every time someone tweets about the election! (I've been dead for 6 hours)
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
I hate when people get fake married. RT @kimkardashian I hate when people are fake nice
I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me
1. Birth 2. School 3. Work 4. Marriage 5. Kids 6. More work 7. Death 8. Re-birth as spider 9. Spin some sick ass webs
Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero
Every time I try to walk into an Anthropologie, the salesgirls smell my poverty and see my fat thighs and they beat me with brooms
my favorite game is called "Secret Family." I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I've never been to Coachella but I once got drunk and passed out in an Urban Outfitters
I wonder if Taylor Swift ever gets one of her songs stuck in her head and also wants to kill herself
Don't ever trust girls. They will say anything to get you to suck their tits.
Jesus, Adele. Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.
KE$HA is what happens when a Lisa Frank sticker comes to life and develops a substance abuse problem
When I have kids I'm going to tearfully serve them scrambled eggs smothered in ketchup & tell them it's Humpty Dumpty.
a vegan and an old person who just had a hip replaced walk into a bar and never stop talking ever
the Garbage Pail Kids version of Zooey Deschanel
