My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst... So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!

I tried to talk my husband into a vasectomy just so I could laugh at that silly cone they make them wear so they don't lick themselves.

Woman: "Dr. How many calories does semen have?" Dr: "Honey if you swallow no one cares if your fat!"

Every time I insist my husband pull out and finish in my mouth he looks at me like I invented football & beer ;)

I just realized one of my many house plants is fake. Been watering that bitch for 3 years :/

Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

I'd rather motor boat Larry King's nut sack while knuckle deep in his puckered pooper than watch Jersey Shore or The Bachelor :/

As a joke I took a porn cd from the husbands stash and replaced it with one of me cheating on him. That's going to be SO funny! Oh wait :/

I was raised on "BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO" and I turned out fine.

You can NOT fall asleep during movie night Grandma and NOT wake up with a penis drawn on your forehead. I didn't make the rules.

One good tweet is like that 1st crack hit. Then we spend the day chasing it with mediocrity :/

I wonder what the world would be like if we were willing to camp out all night in front of the mission to give instead of Best Buy to get...

Biggest lie men tell: No babe your ass is not huge. Biggest lie women tell: OMG babe 'it' is SO huge :/

That awkward moment when you notice the string of anal beads hanging from mom's rear view mirror...

Facebook is in an uproar over the changes. They're using words like darn & crap and are 'THIS' close to posting frowny face pics in protest.

Hey don't blame ME for the occasional disgusting tweet, this is Twitter and there is a quota we all have to meet...

I could totally end 99% of all your tweets with "That's gona itch when it dries".

I'm just curious but when do all these people with thousands of followers start following back? What's fun about only seeing your own jokes?

Yes I swallow... Just don't tell my husband, he'd want to know who :/

I've poor time management skills (since twitter) Late everywhere (since twitter) don't know why (twitter) Where IS that voice coming from?!?