Dog's journal: "I love my master! I got petted by my master! FOOD! I got to take a walk!" Cat's journal: "Day 1642 of captivity..."

"I'm a dog! Are you also a dog??"

"I am also a dog! Hello!"

"Hello other dog! I am a dog!"

- Dogs barking

People on twitter are:

1. Single and hate being single.
2. Married and hate being married.
3. Getting laid.

If hard cider is the adult version of apple juice, I really want to try the adult version of creme-filled donuts.

When life hands you lemons, squeeze them into your eyes, because you probably deserve that.

They're not your taste acquaintances, they're your taste buds. So treat them right, people.

Do I at least get to yell "Jenga!" if my life falls apart?

Choosy moms choose JIF, but sexy moms choose chocolate sauce.

I wonder what awkward sauce tastes like.

I used to really want a treehouse but then I found out that they don't come with toilets or wifi.

Sometimes I wish I wanted something as much as the coyote wanted to catch that damn roadrunner.

"Look, matches.

We should tell an adult."

- No kid, ever

I'm a cake slut.

Rejection is one of the worst experiences a person can have, other than death or running out of Nutella.

People suck.

Especially through straws.

Twitter is like sex: when you stop having fun and start trying too hard, it sucks.

How about we all just hit a big "EJECT" button and hope we end up somewhere good?

Staring at the "New Tweet" screen, dreaming about tweets that could have been, if only people I know didn't follow me.

Everyone close your eyes and clear your mind. Forget about the facial hair mistakes and the desperate texts. You ARE a winner.

Remember that astronaut who drove to Florida in a diaper? Now that the last shuttle has launched, your dream of being like her is shattered.