Most all my bad decisions begin with me waking up.

I've decided to retire from all emotional obligations.

(except hatred, hatred stays)

This too shall pass.

(like a fucking kidney stone)

Scarface and Sixteen Candles are both on. Like life wasn't hard enough.

She is the Egg Mcmuffin of horrifically miserable bitches.

The world is infinitely less beautiful since you removed yourself from it.

According to WebMD I died years ago.

I called into work. Ate an entire bag of Snickers minis for breakfast. Am drinking warm bud lights in bed.

Adulthood-0
Me-3

Seems amazing how infrequently my dick gets sucked.

My new dentist (a toothpick) is so much cheaper than my old one.

I wonder what it's like to stop eating dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds.

If you want a spankin

It will be 3 a three finger deeper.

My buddy robbed the same bank 2x in less than a week and didn't take me out for hookers and coke! Jail. That will learn em.

I sorta hate my parents for not naming me Boss Scaggs.

"That was easy!"

Me never

Twitter is a handsome mirror for my delusional self importance/absorption that validates my snarky existence.

I sorta always knew, eventually, I would end up 39, alone, watching Encino Man banged up beyond repair.

Fuck

My job doubles as a public service announcement for what happens when you completely suck at life.

When you get your hair cut like Pete Rose it makes feel like we should maybe not be friends.

i get that everybody is clever and cute. I also adore the fact I really only give a fuck about you. I meant me. Sorry.