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BREAKING: Herman Cain changes tax plan to "9-9" to make it easier for Rick Perry to remember.
NBC asks Mitt Romney to pull campaign ad containing news report on Newt Gingrich. NBC also asks Romney to stop acting "proud as a peacock."
BREAKING: Anderson Cooper admits he's the Green Lantern.
We got "The Splendid Table" at IKEA.
Something's wrong with the Internet. I just read that Joe Paterno won South Carolina. #WTF??
I'm out of NyQuil, so I just added a little vodka to my DayQuil.
"Nadia G's Bitchin' Kitchen" makes me want to do naughty things with a grilled cheese sandwich.
Some bird outside my window keeps retweeting himself. What an asshole!
Forgot to set my clocks back an hour and now I'm pregnant with Justin Bieber's baby.
I'm sitting on the husband bench at the Penzeys Spices store. #LiveTweet
You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but that's ok because dogs don't live very long.
If you folks will help me get to 100 followers tonight, I promise to sexually harass Herman Cain. Please RT!
Either my dog just farted, or a ghost shit his pants.
Scientists have a new drug that extends the lives of obese mice. I guess McDonald's can take the healthy Happy Meals off its menu.
I'm so emotionally unavailable that I cry on the inside even while cutting onions.
FUN FACT: Chick-fil-A is short for chicken fellatio.
Mad Men makes me nostalgic for the days when smoking 2 packs a day was good for you.
Writer of mediocre jokes, Hollywood icon, and Twitter's best kept secret!