My health was generally better before I learned I can make biscuits & gravy for myself anytime I want, as long as I have enough bacon grease

Roommate: "I thought about becoming a tornado chaser... you know, after I saw Twister. But then I realized, like... meteorology sucks"

If I had a nickel for every time my father criticized me, I'd have a well paying job like Dad wants me to.

I could never have gone to a tapdancing highschool. Way too clicky.

My friend got a fortune cookie fortune that read “There is no time like the pleasant.” That is all.

Touch-free soap dispensers don't make any sense. There, I said it.

Ugh. Bloating, cramps, headache. And to top it all off about once a month my girlfriend is mysteriously unsympathetic of my hangovers.

At whole foods right before dinner rush. Hungry hungry hippies.

My new jeans shrunk in the wash. I can't afford another pair so I'll just have to adjust.
Frequently. Throughout the day.

I'm a terrible person on the inside. Better go work on my tan to compensate!

Not caring about Favre retiring is practically a meme.

At a 7-11 this morning, I bought a sandwich that supposedly came from Farmville and coffee somehow linked to Mafia Wars. I wish I was lying.

Vulvulzela.

...

Am I on the leaderboard yet?

This applesauce tastes like a bag of mashed up apples.

The nouveau bourgeois are just proof that a mediocre amount of wealth doesn't amount to a mediocre amount of class.

Something must be wrong with google right now. Can't find any of my tweets being plagiarized by other users.

Each time our server came to our table she came with an apology for the occasion. This must be a thing in canada.

Can't wait for tomorrow because that's the day before Thurs, which is one day away from Fri, which is almost the weekend! Positive thoughts.

Whenever I can't fall asleep, I think of something I need to do & resolve to get out of bed in 5 minutes to do it. 60% chance I fall asleep

And yeah, I did just delete a tweet and re-post because of an incorrect use of "it's"