How high are you on a scale of 1 to Snoop Lion?

Well I’m finally the disheveled lady in the grocery store covered in dog hair. I knew this day would come, I just thought I had more time.

I hate when people tweet about how other people's tweets suck. Your tweets are no prize either. Also, you suck.

My life is a constant battle between loving food, staying thin, and hating any sort of physical activity.

I have a pretty nice car, and I know that because it gets a lot of whistles when I’m outside washing it in my bikini.

Every year I am baffled as to how there is enough NEW information on sharks in the past year to make a whole week dedicated to them.

I just did a 40 minute hip hop class incase anybody was thinking of battling me at the club this weekend.

My new nickname at work is Pukey incase you were wondering what a sick joke my life is.

Living at my parents again is just like you’d imagine: mom cooks dinner, dad does laundry, & I make a pro/con list of living on the streets.

“I’m sorry you took it that way” really means “fuck you I’m not apologizing” just so you’re all on the same page.

I just can’t WAIT until karma gives you what you deserve, you shitty, shitty person. Because I’m gonna throw the biggest funnest party ever!

I would rather die in a fiery car crash than allow somebody to pass me on the right. It’s called self respect.

I like watching my boyfriend sleep because he’s so peaceful and cute and also because I’m kind of creepy I guess.

I’m drunk so I’ll star all your fucking tweets, even if they’re dumb. I’m such a nice drunky.

FINE ALCOHOL, I guess I WILL sleep with my fucking shoes on.

My phone autocorrects “love” to “live”…. Thanks for the reminder, Apple. You bastard.

Every time a little kid gives me an attitude I want to squint & coldly tell them how Santa isn’t real. So yeah that’s me in a nutshell.

The fact that Flo Rida’s “Whistle Song” is on the radio is just one reason why I’m terrified to have kids.

Just analyzed a zombie apocalypse from a biological standpoint. This is what you talk about when your best friend went to fucking Yale.

Wishing bad things upon children is wrong.. Unless you’re stuck behind a school bus and they’re all flipping you off. Then it’s justified.