It's Friday night and you know what that means! Yeah, me neither. #Parenting

Hey #CNN, don't bother. Twitter's got it covered. #watertown

Floor: a surface used for storage of toys. Can also be used for walking when space is available.

Raising an 11 year-old is like giving a PowerPoint presentation while a monkey advances the slides for you.

A FEW: a quantity that, to a child, equals two pieces of broccoli yet somehow also equals 100 gummy bears.

As the one guy not watching the #debate, did he say where he buys these binders full of women? Asking for a friend.

I'm full: a term used by children to mean "I think I ate enough to qualify for dessert."

POTTY TRAINING: A learning process in which parents develop the skills necessary to give up and try again in 6 months.

Black Friday math: Go shopping = save $75. Stay home with the family = save $2,000.

Dear Sandy, please be nice to my friends in the east. They're all very nice people. Even the ones on Twitter.

Only thing better than watching the #debate is NOT watching the debate and watching all you live tweet about it.

Nate Silver's Magic 8 Ball gives the margin of error along with its "yes", "no" and "maybe". #NateSilverFacts

The Word of the Day is SHHH: A sound made by parents and interpreted by toddlers as, “Say that again but this time louder and whinier.”

Today's Word is SHHH: A sound made by parents and interpreted by toddlers as, “Say that again but this time louder and whinier.”

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Why do none of the parenting advice sites include chloroform in their list of essentials?

In the interest of making me feel better about working today, would you folks mind not tweeting about your wonderful vacations? Thx.

#BadWritingTips Always do it the way Disney does: Kill the protagonist's mother early.

@abercrombie, because bullies need clothes, too.

#WhyThePopeQuit He felt like his boss was always looking over his shoulder.