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I was hit on by a gay guy today. Though I politely declined, we had an amazing conversation over beers.
My point? Fuck you, homophobes.
My daughter just said, "Daddy, you're good looking & not fat like other dads."
She's only 10, but we're headed to the BMW dealership now.
Got in bed naked last night. Wife:"I have a headache." Me:"Sweet, just dipped my cock in Tylenol, so take it orally or as a suppository."
The grass is always greener on the other shut the fuck up.
If you're constantly speaking of your glass being either half-empty or half-full, try this: Find a new fucking bartender that can keep up.
I like to think of my narcissism as a gift from me to me.
Your Twitter crush is fucking his wife right now.
Fucking idiots who send a serious reply to a tweet that is obviously nonsensical and meant to be a joke are the real goddamned terrorists.
I feel for the single guys out there.
The way you have to get up every five minutes to grab your own beer saddens the fuck out of me.
How in the fuck do Chinese people see when they're high?
A mind is a terrible thing to close.
Call me old fashioned, but I still think a woman's place is in the kitchen.
...on the table.
...legs spread wide.
...my tongue deep inside.
Old people may be racist as fuck and smell like goddamn mothballs, but boy can they whistle.
Build it and they will come? I call bullshit. I've built this porn collection for over 20 fucking years, and none of those bitches are here.
I'm only unsociable when people are around.
Today is the first day of the rest of your shut the fuck up.
I wonder if it's bullshit that daughters usually marry a guy who reminds them of their dad.
Hold me, goddammit, I'm scared.
If concealed weapons are not allowed on this campus, am I supposed to just walk around with my cock hanging out of my button fly?
Watching a movie, daughter(9) asks:Why are they so mean, daddy? Me:Because they're dicks, baby. Daughter:What's a dick, daddy?
I'm in my church(bathroom), thumbing my hymnal(iPhone), and jamming to gospel music(Venom).
Can I get a motherfucking witness?
Atheist, historian, fuck, goddamn, don't DM me.