You'd think that a ginger can't get you pregnant, but it's a myth. When you fall asleep, they lay their eggs in your mouth.

You're such a buzz-kill! How am I supposed to enjoy my cocktail when all you want to do is cry about your miscarriage?

I'm helping my neighbor with her home schooling lesson plans. Right now we're on "1864, the year Jimmy Carter invented hot dogs".

I feel like stars equal cigarette currency in prison. I star some of you to keep from being bunk raped & star the rest of you to ensure it.

Ever have that dream where you're naked in the mall in front of strangers, only to realize it's not a dream & maybe PCP just isn't your bag?

Catholics. They gotta made up answer for everything.

If she'll stick a finger down her throat, by god she'll put a dick there, too.

Beach towels used to mean fun in the sun. Now they mean "do some fucking laundry, you're out of towels".

I realize that ads make my apps free, but putting alcohol rehab ads in my Drinks & Cocktails app is hateful.

Where's my lucky "Kiss the Cook" apron? I can't make meth without it!!

I never tweet when I poop. That's my private time when I sing and write love letters to my girlfriend on death row.

The last time I got "tore up from the floor up" was when my shoelace got caught in the escalator.

Every morning, I pour whiskey into my World's Greatest Dad mug and wonder if Canada was the right choice and if my kids will ever find me.

Don't complain about healthcare costs w/o shopping around. I mean, just yesterday a guy offered to check my prostate for $20 behind Wendy's.

I'm such a gentlemen; after making love, I throw my coat over the puddle in my bed for you.

I hate when I bring a chick home, forget, then wake up next to her & can't make her name out on her beer soaked medical discharge papers.

Been letting this stripper breast feed my niece on stage for the last 30mins. And to think I was worried I wasn't cut out for babysitting!

Will someone please just let me know when Charlie Sheen is living in a van down by the river?

I'm an only child and still not mom's favorite. Granted, the dog is cuter, but I've only shit on the floor once.

I just had greasy, filthy sex with a carny in the back of the Tilt-A-Whirl truck. I have finally become my mother.