I don't think medusa is sexy, but she gets me rock hard. Ba duh tsh

I'm not a bad person. I'm bad at being a person.

Can you stop retweeting the people I unfollowed? It's counterproductive.

Studies show you lose 22 minutes of your life for every hour you watch tv. Good deal. I thought I lost the full hour.

Most of my time in high school was spent trying to not seem high.

A masturbation joke a day keeps the ladies away.

Do hippies get Tie Diabetes?

This place is great and depressing.

Can I crumple up today and throw it in the trash?

My period is late .

Turns out that it isn't what it is. It's worse.

My liver is singing "do you really want to hurt me"

If ye old English was still used would it be ThouTube?

Who is the wine god? Dionysus? Yeah. Nothing has changed.

I think therefore I want jalapeño and pineapple on my pizza.

I failed anatomy and physiology. Ask my ex and her pregnant butthole.

I eat food like how I make love; while watching tv and bloated with shame.

Hoarders have stock home syndrome.

I burn the candles at both ends, so I can drip wax on both my nipples simultaneously.

Who needs tv when you can watch my brother drunk dial his exes. Smooth operation, sir.