A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least a thousand dollars.

Damn girl, are you a parking ticket because I fucking hate you.

I wish I was in a gang so I knew what do to with my hands in pictures.

Reasons To Date Me-
1:
2:
3:
4:
5: please

The word "meow" is in "homeowner". Good luck trying to ignore that from now on.

Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I'm leaving your mother.

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that starting now and for the rest of your life.

All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas' hair has been wet for 20 years.

"Hey, wanna hangout?" "Later." "Now?" "No, later" "How about now?" "Jesus christ." -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Finally came out and told my parents I’m cray.

"I blew a hundred bucks last night." -slutty reindeer

Heard someone call real life "the outernet" today so I'm still pretty shaken up.

There are like 7 billion people in the world. So no, I would not say I just hit "a lot" of people with my truck, BEN. Calm the fuck down.

I bet Kanye West doesn't let Kim Kardashian finish.

When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisins in the world and throw them in the trash.

The hardest part about being black is never knowing if any of your family members are secretly being played by Tyler Perry.

The friend that called me "OCD" would feel pretty dumb if he knew having the TV volume on an odd number could destroy the world.

When I get mad I'm like the Hulk, except nothing really happens. I guess what I'm trying to say is I own purple shorts.