I need to buy a new alarm clock. The one I have keeps going off while I'm asleep.

I'm going to hire myself out as an unmotivational speaker.

I brought sexy back but I forgot my receipt.

This day needs more wow and less sham.

Sometimes when I'm about to tweet something I can't help but wonder if it's all been said before.Then I realize I don't give a shit. Update.

Sometimes I read tweets on here and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.

I discovered last night I could tweet from work if I wanted to. I'm trying to decide whether to take advantage of this or stay employed.

It's never too late to not give a shit.

I read somewhere that Tuesday is the most productive day of the work week. Today I will be doing my part to reduce this ugly statistic.

I'd probably like this movie more if I weren't watching it.

Instead of going through all the trouble of folding this fitted sheet, I'm just going to roll it up into a ball and set it on fire.

Until I found twitter, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining.

Maybe BP should try jiggling the handle. It works for my toilet.

I don't have anything of importance to say and this is the best place to say it.

I socialized with a bunch of real life people today. I'm exhausted from trying to carry on all those over 140 character conversations.

It's Shark Week again already? It seems like only yesterday I put the decorations away from last year.

Had a pretty good day at work today despite the fact that I was there.

It's noon & I haven't done anything. I sure hope I can keep up this hectic pace for the rest of the day.

When I die, I'm donating my brain to science so that scientists may one day discover what it was I just got up to do & immediately forgot.

According to a guy in the car next to me at a light today, boogers are the other green meat.