Don't just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It's important to also watch some TV.

There are like 6 dogs in the new Superman movie

Everything from Krypton looks like a pussy

Insomnia comes from the Latin words -somnus- meaning “sleep” and -in- meaning “fuck you.”

I wonder how often those guys with the backpack leaf blowers pretend to be a ghostbuster.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

It's amazing that after all these years, McDonald's hasn't developed the technology to make breakfast and lunch at the same time.

Give Superman some credit. If any other dude had x-ray vision, Metropolis would have a breast cancer epidemic.

If mankind survives, someday we’ll have iHoverBoots. And your kid will fly home and whine about all his friends having the iHoverBoots 2.0.

Just killed a moth with a flyswatter. The manufacturer has greatly underestimated its product.

Just watched a gang bang movie it was in 8-D.

If you're texting someone while shitting, make sure to use a lot of fancy words to even things out.

Cause I knew you were stubble when you walked in. - Me shaving

I feel so olde I spell it like this now.

There should be a kind of police whose only job is to chase people down who don't use blinkers and beat them with a chain.

When I become a ghost I'm gonna ride a dinosaur ghost and we'll be the scariest ghost team of all ghost history

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Few things that pancakes won't fix!

... Cancer is one, also a busted taillight. Actually, it doesn't fix most things, just sadness really.

I don't think I'd recognize what a turtle looked like if it wasn't in a shell. I'd be like what the fuck is that thing, am I right?

It's getting hot and dangerous in this bedroom, if you know what I mean*

*MacBook charger is super warm, gonna unplug it.