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I'm so high, I forgot to grow up, get married, & have kids.
Thanks to Twitter I found out where all the beautiful, smart, sexy awesome girls live.
And its a place called, No where fucking near me.
If you ever see me in a snuggie, theres a 100% chance that im jerking off under it
I just microwaved the same cup of coffee 5 times..Because, You know.....Twitter
Any man who ever rapes, or even speaks of raping a girl, should be fucked in his ass with a horse dick for the rest of eternity
Every time a baby is born, Some1 else dies, SOoooo, Guns don't kill people, babies kill people....Babies are assholes
I hate waking up with that feeling. You know, the one where you wake up and can't decide if you want to go to work or commit suicide
I'm at the gym. And by gym I mean lying in bed smoking weed
I want a girl who only gets mad at me if I don't watch porn with her.
You say you're broken? I say you're perfect.
Some asshole put tequila in my coffee and that asshole was me
Fact: Every woman on twitter is a great fuck.....Because they're crazy and crazy women are the bests fucks..We all know that
Who needs a fish in the sea when there's a million whores in the Internet
Pretty sure there's a 3 year old Mexican kid driving next to me with his wife and six kids
People who only tweet one tweet a day,
How you do that?
The worst thing about Twitter, none of you live anywhere near me..So I can't hang out with, have sex and/Or kill any of you :(
Love is a four letter horror story.
Best part about Twitter is, some of you so fucking beautiful & I don't even have clue what you look like.
Hey old lady waiting me 2 pull out so you can have my parking spot, its gonna be awhile. I'm tweeting. & you could die at any minute. Sorry
Ignore me. I like it.
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