My experience with women has taught me that Jack was probably pushed down the hill.

Does this bloodstained bunny suit make me look mentally unstable?

Great. I just got into my onesie and NOW I have to take a shit.

I just saved a bunch of money by not paying my car insurance bill and letting it lapse.

If I ever get a llama, I'm totally naming it Dalai.

" "


#shitmypetrocksays

I need a fucking vacation.

Literally. A vacation where all I do is fuck.

If you ever decide to walk a mile in my shoes, just make sure and stop by the liquor store on your way back. Thanks.

I'm not gay. But if I was, I would TOTALLY do Lady Gaga.

Today I found a thornless rose.


Take THAT, Bret Michaels.

Just saw a camel with some serious person toe goin' on.

Remember when we were kids and I always insisted on being banker when we played Monopoly?



Yeah, well I was cheatin' like a motherfucker.

I'm in the smallest, most cramped and crowded IHOP known to man.

Related: I think I just had sex with 10 people on the way to the booth.

"Don't let the sun go down on me"???

Yeah, no shit, Captain Obvious. You got ANY idea how BAD that would burn???

I try to avoid the plague like the plague.

You are so much cuter when you're on your knees.

If I'm going to hell, then I really do hope the Devil wears Prada.

Cuz, ya know, that would make him a total püssy.

If you love something, kill it.

It's just gonna break your heart anyway.

I'm gonna be twitter for Halloween this year. I'll follow people around and stop them when the say 140 characters.

Bros before hoes.



I'll never let a gardening tool come between me and my boys.