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  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    If my wife thinks making me sleep on the couch is a punishment, she's going to feel fucking dumb when she sees this badass fort I made.

    • 1,980
    • FAVS
    myaccentisweirdallietrades5TheSolClarkeSCAR_179NYNeighborGrumpybreely216_aSHly_BaBy_babyvenus111
    • 1,059
    • RETWEETS
    zami_singsonjerryd_usnJane_BlatzMaynani__________sumnercomedygazzrttRJ11824CpyleM
    DeanB15Its_that_guy_J0hJuliettezachreinert03morrisjr77_B4TM4NTheUnseenMe______letsdancebitchsJennifergr8GimmeeABreakoffsidebastard
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.

    • 1,226
    • FAVS
    myaccentisweirdVeldaHammKidBeatnix________The_MartiniGirlIvipage5Lama911NoSpankYoudonnasammy
    • 359
    • RETWEETS
    KidBeatnix_________CurryMonstermartydrinksbeerGeminiJewCackleClubTM970sammadison93inconsequentia2
    nerdfacedrobyn_voC_J_Commode______ShotOfBullIsdatsowrongNaturalBornGriz__RyenInTheMoinesdjr_102roadkill3xCasperVatikakidepreciated______
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    I don't use Siri because I have to deal with enough bitches who have no personality and know everything.

    • 917
    • FAVS
    myaccentisweirdKidBeatnix________circlejokeshannah_oakleyPalestinianMissRK910PoorEvelyn________MandyMoeMents____
    • 627
    • RETWEETS
    UtahSavantiamgurpmef96Timmyboy54KittieLTJThe1OnlyWBRPiaMaksoudHKain7
    Its_that_guy_JRobski_BoydeKenstruction
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    Cool tits, now write something funny.

    • 1,042
    • FAVS
    KidBeatnix________InkdhawaiianMandyMoeMents____VikeeysSecreteshurneLakeoconeebldrShock_MonsterDawnLovesZombie
    • 333
    • RETWEETS
    SupernovaWickedafreakvirginheadedtospace____Kit_Kat0108ninja_raaawrbatsflywestAlpodashitJamie_bug
    RandomlyMJGhetto_TrophyHaute_MILFJermHimselfishCleverLinguistSeanINCypressShortWhiteNUgly__
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    How do Irish guys always manage to make whiskey look so tasty? When I drink it, I look like I walked in on my grandparents 69ing

    • 932
    • FAVS
    slackyousucknauticalnoodleFeenohmenalaruigumyaccentisweirdKarlTheFagCapeTownBlondeMakesYouGiggle
    • 369
    • RETWEETS
    redhairedloserslackyousuckaruigugerriDarceyRausindahousewayoutosphereAlyShahbazzach_fontaine
    dixie_lee_peasGhetto_TrophyTraylorParkerGroperClevelandChucksBitch
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    I stayed up all night drinking but when my daughter just woke up I pretended I was making breakfast. That's how you fucking parent.

    • 907
    • FAVS
    KidBeatnix________SilleVioICountBeanssInkdhawaiianMandyMoeMents____eshurneLakeoconeebldrTheDairylandDon
    • 292
    • RETWEETS
    CHaZVaNQueeNIamEveryDayPpl95RunsNorthlakeanagirlBJBennyBoommadeintexas214Lisabug74X_pepper_X
    tigersgoroooarNot_From_TroytinytittayssususudafedPRESTONinCOLOR
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    I just blocked every follower I wouldn't have sex with. If you can read this tweet, meet me at Denny's.

    • 838
    • FAVS
    JohnsonTheMagicIbex67kedabo43__rachelsolooZombieionismKevinBuffaloMandyMoeMents____VikeeysSecret
    • 248
    • RETWEETS
    Loser__69ZombieionismshockthomasLakeoconeebldrsmirkykevdi_anonymouslyTheDairylandDonOcMeister
    Jazzzzzminahappygodrink
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    What's with this "we're pregnant" shit? You're pregnant, I'm about to huff spray paint and ride the fuck out of some roller coasters.

    • 705
    • FAVS
    KidBeatnix________eshurneLakeoconeebldrTheDairylandDonMrNickJCBacon_Ball________Arroiakristabrooks92
    • 295
    • RETWEETS
    MtedmoFUNNAGANLisabug74CaliMama9ItzDad______mschff3GuyConfused______tarheelsmiley
    LectorCaveo______WeissBrandon______karencreets______FSUSteve__________
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.

    • 604
    • FAVS
    myaccentisweirdrebranded2breely216darryol_mcleyodManalJazminebabyvenus111AlexaaPerkinssVinnyTheCenzo
    • 295
    • RETWEETS
    erinneumanbreely216falseglitterDeMON_K_trilllmomKimiKonaKoaiBee_G666Jimmy666
    cdubbub__________Juan_IncognitoTomHanksIsHotshatty48
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    When all my kids finally meet me, they're gonna be pissed they wasted all that money on a private investigator

    • 770
    • FAVS
    KidBeatnix________ICountBeanssInkdhawaiianMandyMoeMents____eshurneaprilmaywilsonLakeoconeebldrlakeanagirl
    • 128
    • RETWEETS
    InkdhawaiianRangeelaDesiLakeoconeebldrFUNNAGANLisabug74StatusInBeirutGiddythefuckupi2Shock4SwordB8
    KellyBawstonsavvystriderFlirtyNikkaCasperVatikakiJasmineIsSilly
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    Life is short. Take some time out of each day to hug your booze and tell your drugs you love them. If you have time, high-five your kids.

    • 658
    • FAVS
    rebranded2Kause187DeMON_K_teh0830ArtIsMyPornErik_AllenMandyMoeMents____VikeeysSecret
    • 237
    • RETWEETS
    AlexmDrewleggomymeggo88AllTheUglyTruthIamEveryDayPpllakeanagirlsooseeLisabug74yungshizzo
    DashGoff__________goreysgirl________crassmama
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    Nothing sexier than seeing my girlfriend with her hair blowing in the wind as she runs down the block seconds before my wife gets home.

    • 599
    • FAVS
    LipstickSpicevaalerie1015missekayBob_HellerJamasenuDeepDarkDogHomeComingKhinglakeanagirl
    • 268
    • RETWEETS
    RangeelaDesiLakeoconeebldrJamasenuDeepDarkDogHomeComingKhinglakeanagirlKazLightYearzIamEveryDayPpl
    bouncerface______CochinaMasFina____JamsleyTheGreat__CroweJam
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    Until you've been chased through a mall parking lot by a vaguely familiar looking pregnant woman, you don't know shit about awkward moments.

    • 647
    • FAVS
    InkdhawaiianMandyMoeMents____VikeeysSecretchav_whitcherNaturalBornGriz__TriiSarrahTopss__mandierringtontokencharlie______
    • 208
    • RETWEETS
    Inkdhawaiianlugone22GlacienTheArabianNazi____cooldadjeansCarolCarmineHenriMRHkotzEShoutingGoddess
    Reality_Bytes1GroperClevelandBigDfunk
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    Just read a tweet that made me laugh so hard I dropped my smoke and it rolled down the driveway and into a puddle. So fuck you. Unfollowed.

    • 634
    • FAVS
    MandyMoeMents____VikeeysSecretEightyoneTimesoblivion_liteVoskGuitarMrNickJCMichael_Maybeatm_bitch
    • 156
    • RETWEETS
    CHaZVaNQueeNIamEveryDayPplatm_bitchjENNYPINO529claire_mudieBoyCalledAnnRivRunItzDad______
    UluwatuSiapWalmartin2011
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    Sex isn't always about expressing love, getting pleasure or giving in to your desires. Sometimes, there just ain't shit on TV.

    • 590
    • FAVS
    VikeeysSecretMrNickJCBacon_Ball________Arroiaobi_ian_kenobiBuccanArrrSoul____GiddythefuckupFlipAlfred
    • 188
    • RETWEETS
    Pirate_TwinkieBuccanArrrSoul____BoyCalledAnnAlfandzohellokatiitwCrackedIllusionGuyConfused______SonOfSSSparda
    slyoung5_BKL_____________preawsaurussilent_musings
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    This chick is banging on my door like this is her first STD. Chill out and enjoy the weekend, bitch. You'll still have herpes on Monday.

    • 547
    • FAVS
    SilleVioImmortal_GuitarMrNickJCLost_Stories_Rkpitts1977swills18swisherr_tweetcloudypianos
    • 225
    • RETWEETS
    SofaKingGinger9_you_right_nowAJSchirling______Haute_MILFBoyCalledAnnGiddythefuckupYgirl1119________ItzDad______
    tigersgoroooarSuchaDumbWorldgoodtimenoel
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    I've seen a vaginal birth and a C-Section. But nothing is as weird as seeing my dog shitting in the kitchen without breaking eye contact.

    • 611
    • FAVS
    MandyMoeMents____VikeeysSecretlakeanagirlDahliaValentineMrNickJChannah_nosnhojToasthuggerparhwy
    • 136
    • RETWEETS
    lakeanagirlDahliaValentineMrNickJCRodDangleresssjeyBoyCalledAnn997omarRivRun
    sususudafedMrsDimiralemmywinkler______Saint_Angrier____
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    You're not really popular on Twitter until someone sends you a picture of your own penis.

    • 586
    • FAVS
    Pirate_TwinkieMandyMoeMents____VikeeysSecretImmortal_GuitarMrNickJCBacon_Ball________obi_ian_kenobiundrgroundbison
    • 136
    • RETWEETS
    Pirate_TwinkieOne_Classy_BumBoyCalledAnnItzDad______SereeenaLeekoalaslamentJakePlautzcrownstache
    FrauDammtHairyJew4LifeNickBossRoss
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    Inspirational tweet: Get drunk, do drugs and fuck everyone you meet instead of buying cats and tweeting about being lonely.

    • 428
    • FAVS
    InkdhawaiianVikeeysSecretImmortal_GuitarMrNickJCBacon_Ball________Arroiaobi_ian_kenobiGiddythefuckup
    • 231
    • RETWEETS
    RockKrallerhollystavsubboibiNymphoFor________JrKimBro69cervixsmashVonBrutal________digitalgoodtyme
    darrendanykJennifergr8mattysworld1
  • ImKevinito
      Kevinito @ImKevinito

    Being married is like being in the drunk tank. It's a lot of fun until you sober up and start shitting in front of each other.

    • 513
    • FAVS
    myaccentisweirdMandyMoeMents____MrNickJCBacon_Ball________Arroiaobi_ian_kenobiGiddythefuckupForbidInjustice
    • 136
    • RETWEETS
    rebeccagoodwayBoyCalledAnnnayele18doctor_santaStephTigerlillypandakestrel______xkattxhcalmhugs410
    Burgee66__________cdubbub__________ShotOfBullispypandaCarmel_Colemankittysoftpaws71femin9
@ImKevinito

@ImKevinito

I like liquor and whores, liquor and whores. Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna and liquor and whores.