If my wife thinks making me sleep on the couch is a punishment, she's going to feel fucking dumb when she sees this badass fort I made.

Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.

I don't use Siri because I have to deal with enough bitches who have no personality and know everything.

Cool tits, now write something funny.

How do Irish guys always manage to make whiskey look so tasty? When I drink it, I look like I walked in on my grandparents 69ing

I stayed up all night drinking but when my daughter just woke up I pretended I was making breakfast. That's how you fucking parent.

I just blocked every follower I wouldn't have sex with. If you can read this tweet, meet me at Denny's.

What's with this "we're pregnant" shit? You're pregnant, I'm about to huff spray paint and ride the fuck out of some roller coasters.

When all my kids finally meet me, they're gonna be pissed they wasted all that money on a private investigator

Life is short. Take some time out of each day to hug your booze and tell your drugs you love them. If you have time, high-five your kids.

Nothing sexier than seeing my girlfriend with her hair blowing in the wind as she runs down the block seconds before my wife gets home.

My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.

Until you've been chased through a mall parking lot by a vaguely familiar looking pregnant woman, you don't know shit about awkward moments.

Just read a tweet that made me laugh so hard I dropped my smoke and it rolled down the driveway and into a puddle. So fuck you. Unfollowed.

Sex isn't always about expressing love, getting pleasure or giving in to your desires. Sometimes, there just ain't shit on TV.

This chick is banging on my door like this is her first STD. Chill out and enjoy the weekend, bitch. You'll still have herpes on Monday.

I've seen a vaginal birth and a C-Section. But nothing is as weird as seeing my dog shitting in the kitchen without breaking eye contact.

You're not really popular on Twitter until someone sends you a picture of your own penis.

Inspirational tweet: Get drunk, do drugs and fuck everyone you meet instead of buying cats and tweeting about being lonely.

Being married is like being in the drunk tank. It's a lot of fun until you sober up and start shitting in front of each other.