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Growing a beard is exciting because you get to watch your facial features disappear while your penis grows exponentially.
My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't do math :(
I’m switching up my bedroom technique to ground and pound.
I call it playtime but it's really just my daughter making her Barbies do fun things while I hold my Barbie and wait for instructions.
My grandma said the Internet has completely ruined people's ability to communicate properly. I told her she didn't know fuck about shit.
I can't hate on Jesus all that much. The fucker gives me more paid holidays than Satan ever did.
Trophy this if you wish your balls were as big as Dwayne Wades.
I remember when I chose to be gay. I was just a sperm, and I was covered in all this other sperm & I thought 'This is fucking AWESOME!"
My brother inlaw’s name is Howie, when he does something stupid I sing “THIS IS HOWIE DO IT” then I punch him in the dick because I hate him
God created everyone equal, then he put a dick on the stupid ones.
"My long and girthy snake-like penis will not want intercourse, unless you have a large posterior, miss."
-Sir Mix Often
I hate my ex-husband so much, not only did I get the tattoo of his name covered, I also got new tits because he touched the old ones once.
I quit smoking & carbs in the same week. I want 2 kill everybody in this hospital with my bare hands & I want a cigarette made out of donuts
I hate when a girl insists on paying for the meal. I mean we've already made it to the car, let's just get the fuck outta here!
It's always hard for me to bring up the money I loaned to a friend. So whenever I'm at their house I just break something of equal value.
The word "retarded" is now being referred to as "The R Word." The whiny, United States citizens can suck my D word.
If you love someone, throw your phone away.
People who trophy this tweet agree, I'm the best fucking guy ever.
This is all stupid and we are all idiots.
I like liquor and whores, liquor and whores. Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna and liquor and whores.