Growing a beard is exciting because you get to watch your facial features disappear while your penis grows exponentially.

My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't do math :(

I’m switching up my bedroom technique to ground and pound.

I call it playtime but it's really just my daughter making her Barbies do fun things while I hold my Barbie and wait for instructions.

My grandma said the Internet has completely ruined people's ability to communicate properly. I told her she didn't know fuck about shit.

I can't hate on Jesus all that much. The fucker gives me more paid holidays than Satan ever did.

Trophy this if you wish your balls were as big as Dwayne Wades.

Shocking similarities between @orgasmninja and comedy icon Ed Grimley... http://t.co/udM0P29B

I remember when I chose to be gay. I was just a sperm, and I was covered in all this other sperm & I thought 'This is fucking AWESOME!"

My brother inlaw’s name is Howie, when he does something stupid I sing “THIS IS HOWIE DO IT” then I punch him in the dick because I hate him

God created everyone equal, then he put a dick on the stupid ones.

"My long and girthy snake-like penis will not want intercourse, unless you have a large posterior, miss."

-Sir Mix Often

I hate my ex-husband so much, not only did I get the tattoo of his name covered, I also got new tits because he touched the old ones once.

I quit smoking & carbs in the same week. I want 2 kill everybody in this hospital with my bare hands & I want a cigarette made out of donuts

I hate when a girl insists on paying for the meal. I mean we've already made it to the car, let's just get the fuck outta here!

It's always hard for me to bring up the money I loaned to a friend. So whenever I'm at their house I just break something of equal value.

The word "retarded" is now being referred to as "The R Word." The whiny, United States citizens can suck my D word.

If you love someone, throw your phone away.

People who trophy this tweet agree, I'm the best fucking guy ever.

This is all stupid and we are all idiots.