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My doctor suggested I give up coffee, but I need that energy to dig a grave for the doctor I just killed.
Me: I'm about to cum!
Girl: pull out pull out!
*favs but doesn't reply*
I've had to run away almost every time I've ever said "come at me bro".
If braiding the girl’s hair sitting in front of me on the train is a crime then I am in really big trouble.
I want to live in the universe where 'Mumford & Sons' just did landscaping
Remember that one part in Aladdin when the entire movie was slightly racist
Anybody actually know what the fuck is supposed to happen in gazebos?
I buy light cigarettes just so I have something to smoke on the treadmill.
How much Phish is too much Phish to play at my wedding?
Your friend who's always up on the hottest new bands would like to borrow some money from you.
Getting a tattoo sleeve that says "Sorry, I Thought This Would Be Cool, Sorry Everyone."
Today I participated in a "Fun Run." Talk about an oxymoron, because afterwards I ate jumbo shrimp.
Condoms prevent minivans.
taking a picture with your middle finger up is a cool way to let me know you rent your appliances
You know the old saying, "Once a cheater, always a super fun person to get drunk with."
You lose all credibility when you start a sentence, "My roommate..."
Hallmark card for losing your virginity that reads "Merry Poppin's!"
"I make the panties drop!" - Clumsy Victoria's Secret restocker