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My doctor suggested I give up coffee, but I need that energy to dig a grave for the doctor I just killed.
*Fucking girl*
Me: I'm about to cum!
Girl: pull out pull out!
*favs but doesn't reply*
I've had to run away almost every time I've ever said "come at me bro".
If braiding the girl’s hair sitting in front of me on the train is a crime then I am in really big trouble.
Remember that one part in Aladdin when the entire movie was slightly racist
I buy light cigarettes just so I have something to smoke on the treadmill.
Your friend who's always up on the hottest new bands would like to borrow some money from you.
The OKC video of this sweet woman finding her dog is astonishing. I may cry for a week. http://cbsn.ws/Zcp2ib
Getting a tattoo sleeve that says "Sorry, I Thought This Would Be Cool, Sorry Everyone."
Today I participated in a "Fun Run." Talk about an oxymoron, because afterwards I ate jumbo shrimp.
taking a picture with your middle finger up is a cool way to let me know you rent your appliances
You know the old saying, "Once a cheater, always a super fun person to get drunk with."
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