If you have ever made a mix tape, you're a dying breed.

The best thing about playing with yourself is you always win.

I hug people I know a little too long and stress how sexy their children are becoming to avoid being invited to their kids birthday parties.

If you took my small intestine and stretched it out it would be 21 feet long and I would be like wtf are you doing?!?

Thank you wife for buying Puffs Plus with Vicks Vapor rub tissues.The tip of my pecker is on fire now.

I'm tired of waiting for my inheritance so this mothers day is smothers day.

I hope when my life flashes before my eyes it's a compilation with bonus scenes of the things I wish I did.

Spray painting my house, yard and everything on it black to mess with people who use Google Earth.

Putting a trap in the house tonight with a rabbits foot and a trail of blood so I won't have to buy Easter baskets for the kids ever again.

It`s cool that my son`s old enough to drink some white rusians with his old man.But he`s going to pay for it tomorrow morning at t ball.

When i see someone has gone through with twittercide,i like to imagine them walking into the light of day.Fly free little avi, fly free.

Looking for true love?
Be yourself and love will come along.
Except for that farting part.You should try and hold off on that for a while.

I'm making an effort to be less of an asshole to people that don't deserve it and more to those that do.

I told my wife she needs to tweet on her account if she wants to be taken seriously. Then we both slapped me.

Been restocking tampons I've soaked in my semen on store shelves in an attempt to create a virginal birth.
Just another Monday.

Actually went out and interacted with real people last night.
Overrated.

I bet Ke$has dad used sparkle lip gloss as lube during her conception which explains everything about her looks and intelligence.

I wrote "Spree next Friday" on my desk calendar at work so the nosey assholes will be nice and leave me the fuck alone all next week.

I love my wife because she's sweet, kind and beautiful. She knows my browsing history, follows me on twitter and she still loves me.

Obamas birth certificate better say he's half Vulcan or it's total bullshit.