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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they're "players," but when I do it I'm a "lesbian."
Job hunting is a lot like dating, you keep putting yourself out there & keep getting rejected until one lucky day you finally just die.
Recipe to get laid: Tell a pretty girl she's smart, a smart girl she's funny, a funny girl she's pretty & a slut whatever the fuck you want.
Drugs are bad, but feelings are worse.
I love watching how after a breakup the girl will tweet and blog about it for weeks and the guy just carries on tweeting about burritos.
Her: Long distance relationships are so hard.
Me: Yeah it must be really hard having someone that exists in the world who loves you.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I never feel more connected to my fellow man than when we all band together to not let a car merge into our lane before they're supposed to.
When a guy compliments a part of your body, he's basically just saying that he would like to cum there.
Remember ladies: Guys want your facebook persona in the streets & your twitter persona in the sheets.
Aww you're engaged, that's cool, some guy from the internet told me he'd like to cum on my face so...I'm probably next.
There's no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn't like "yeah right."
When a girl says "we probably shouldn't" she means "we're definitely going to, I just don't want you to think I'm a slut even though I am."
I love Twitter because when I'm lonely, I have a bunch of other lonely people living in my phone to keep me company.
Strangers from twitter have reached out to me in my darkest hours when no one in my real life did, so no this is not a waste of time.
I wish making friends didn't involve talking to strangers.
I always keep my pinky raised whenever I give a hand job because I'm a lady.
Whenever a fast food employee reads my order back to me I always say, "did you just call me fat?" They love that.
Sometimes I'll invite a guy over to "watch a movie," but it's just a trick because I actually want to watch a movie.
Him: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: I'm on my period, we can't have sex.
Him: Ok. I still want to hang out with you.
Me: I don't understand.