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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they're "players," but when I do it I'm a "lesbian."
Recipe to get laid: Tell a pretty girl she's smart, a smart girl she's funny, a funny girl she's pretty & a slut whatever the fuck you want.
Job hunting is a lot like dating, you keep putting yourself out there & keep getting rejected until one lucky day you finally just die.
Drugs are bad, but feelings are worse.
When a guy compliments a part of your body, he's basically just saying that he would like to cum there.
Remember ladies: Guys want your facebook persona in the streets & your twitter persona in the sheets.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I love watching how after a breakup the girl will tweet and blog about it for weeks and the guy just carries on tweeting about burritos.
I never feel more connected to my fellow man than when we all band together to not let a car merge into our lane before they're supposed to.
There's no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn't like "yeah right."
When a girl says "we probably shouldn't" she means "we're definitely going to, I just don't want you to think I'm a slut even though I am."
I love Twitter because when I'm lonely, I have a bunch of other lonely people living in my phone to keep me company.
I wish making friends didn't involve talking to strangers.
Strangers from twitter have reached out to me in my darkest hours when no one in my real life did, so no this is not a waste of time.
I always keep my pinky raised whenever I give a hand job because I'm a lady.
Him: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: I'm on my period, we can't have sex.
Him: Ok. I still want to hang out with you.
Me: I don't understand.
Whenever a fast food employee reads my order back to me I always say, "did you just call me fat?" They love that.
Just because you have a boyfriend doesn't make you better than me. It just means you're better at sex & communicating & are not an arsonist.
"He's probably out fucking some whore, I'm over him." - Me when a guy takes more than 5 mins. to text me back.
My favorite sexual position is when they let me spend the night.