Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they're "players," but when I do it I'm a "lesbian."

Recipe to get laid: Tell a pretty girl she's smart, a smart girl she's funny, a funny girl she's pretty & a slut whatever the fuck you want.

Drugs are bad, but feelings are worse.

Job hunting is a lot like dating, you keep putting yourself out there & keep getting rejected until one lucky day you finally just die.

Remember ladies: Guys want your facebook persona in the streets & your twitter persona in the sheets.

When a guy compliments a part of your body, he's basically just saying that he would like to cum there.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

When a girl says "we probably shouldn't" she means "we're definitely going to, I just don't want you to think I'm a slut even though I am."

I love Twitter because when I'm lonely, I have a bunch of other lonely people living in my phone to keep me company.

Strangers from twitter have reached out to me in my darkest hours when no one in my real life did, so no this is not a waste of time.

I always keep my pinky raised whenever I give a hand job because I'm a lady.

There's no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn't like "yeah right."

I wish making friends didn't involve talking to strangers.

Him: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: I'm on my period, we can't have sex.
Him: Ok. I still want to hang out with you.
Me: I don't understand.

Just because you have a boyfriend doesn't make you better than me. It just means you're better at sex & communicating & are not an arsonist.

My favorite sexual position is when they let me spend the night.

"He's probably out fucking some whore, I'm over him." - Me when a guy takes more than 5 mins. to text me back.

Whenever a fast food employee reads my order back to me I always say, "did you just call me fat?" They love that.

You know you've reached a whole new level of depression when the guy working the Arby's drive-thru asks if you're ok.

People who love Valentines Day are the same people who will talk for 30 minutes before asking how you're doing.