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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Do the people in cars with blue headlights know that everybody hates them?

    • 860
    • FAVS
    wheresmystarr__lawyerthoughtsTheRealBeebsPlaying_DadNick12LlewellynoOoamandautosiAbbyStang
    • 587
    • RETWEETS
    LisaMcAlister1ItsAlexCamposalvertitisOBVocadoasheliandersonMila_TheNLayesshh_DeanMachine
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?" "Sure." -Relationships

    • 772
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadLetoileSanbklynmike3ToxicButTasty4M4NND4rorynotroyREALityDUMB
    • 458
    • RETWEETS
    LetoileSanToxicButTastyWoody71sharajeankingronakdarjiKevinHurryMKJmillkkkkkkkkkiki
    ToxicButTastyThatJennGravesejcam3
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Somewhere, there's a woman watching the NRA press conference and going "Ugh, I can't believe I fucked that guy in college."

    • 460
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadMike__LeeToxicButTastyNickadoororynotroyIm_Triciarjasonscales
    • 557
    • RETWEETS
    NealASpurlockdmThalinSonyaMew1Her__BUTATL321SonnySulouffadamegelmannuttage1
    lafix
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    It's rude to ask single people if they're dating, couples if they're getting married & married people if they're having kids. Let's cool it.

    • 620
    • FAVS
    emcattomCabredaBuffDadscosette_hzrhubarbarellasyoadrienne101_miss_sophie_kimberbot
    • 376
    • RETWEETS
    heyykarencRDeans7yoadrienne101ging_JduhnellekaronhiothaEffieAngelsElviaGo
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    No better feeling than getting flaked on when you were wanting to flake.

    • 522
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtscarnefoxTheRealBeebsxmixedtape90xPlaying_DadariihermansonCatwithatoeLife_Of_Ker
    • 349
    • RETWEETS
    sassychildladyZigs26Elizabeth_2992Taralee51499OhSoBrenosocosmic_carlybusywalrusjazleee
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    If the family in Modern Family is so "modern," then why don't any of the women have jobs?

    • 287
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadToxicButTastyNickadoororynotroyREALityDUMBBryceKillingtonlara_clifton
    • 578
    • RETWEETS
    memphxsMike__Lee4M4NND4BryceKillingtonbornmiserablelandewatsonlpietigbenittto11
    m0hammedwarsame
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life. "You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."

    • 429
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadWAGz_WordzSeanovski_MJonHarrellDonnaLudwigkimmabayaMike__Lee
    • 427
    • RETWEETS
    WAGz_WordzNoOneatAlSeanovski_Mike__LeeTheQuietRightchefahoy1234mevans0424glassamppband
    SamGrittner
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Sure, I'll date a scrub. Why not?" -TLC, single, rapidly approaching 40, rethinking some stuff

    • 347
    • FAVS
    maadfiitzlawyerthoughtspriyaceliaDakTheHumanCym_withaCnativeejeanaZachFoleymonicasjungle
    • 175
    • RETWEETS
    aliciasighDingesCgeorgialately_monicasjunglealohadrimaggieesaysTheReal_LTCelestriaHill
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Don't forget: all the unswerving optimists who write your self-help books are millionaires living in Hawaii with no real problems.

    • 248
    • FAVS
    TheRealBeebsPlaying_DadsharajeankingHome_HalfwayLMacMactayyywowjessmontalbanosarahfishlock
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    AlexMDeVriespantzpantzstellarhits____RosieSmith95jessmontalbanomchangesqRskaNprzaaaCvetocek6
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I'd like to host a TV show where I do a weekly round-up of people who are dead to me.

    • 230
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadMike__LeeToxicButTastymadamezoobleletsgetgizzyMisz_BrightsideDonnyDegenerate
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    Mike__LeeToxicButTastyzami_singsonjessica_tullisSarcastic_messvannavichaleywhittOpheliaRising
    rorynotroy
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Fun, flirty thing to whisper on a 1st date: "I wanna change the shit out of you."

    • 204
    • FAVS
    Playing_DadToxicButTastyrorynotroyREALityDUMBLostCatDogrjasonscalesSaraThomas84hollandbryan
    • 146
    • RETWEETS
    eziitismiglaa____doribeth29jojocomedyKellimaroneyLittle___Lambdfrbrianklemont1202JamieBasinger2
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    No woman has any idea how many times she's supposed to wear a bra before washing it.

    • 252
    • FAVS
    JennyyyGarciaS_SL8nbsincerityNadiaAddesijannajavakallyaranetajajamburgerfaye_nds
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    LisaMunro1benittto2Favstar250meenamahtanimadame_ednaZigs26tanjim122938sadiebrown_
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I hope somewhere there are two lame dudes living together who call going to the market "brocery shopping."

    • 207
    • FAVS
    Genny_jelloFeevie_Playing_DadClarkeBiancajaslakhmnaMsSugarTits_KatieLongSikhCoins
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    not_gracefulGpaulwood12SixfootchickenMsSugarTitsrosemarybreadJiminyKicksItbornmiserableAlexUnchained
    AaronFullertondonni
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    People who tell me everything is going to be okay: can you give me a fucking time frame?

    • 200
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadkimmabayaMike__LeerorynotroyLostCatDogJoePolizzottiSaraThomas84
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    Mike__LeeBobbyGalinskyprincessshana86fevulousNIV7raffrodisiacKarlcastannikkipiazza
    MindyFurano
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    At midnight, I'm texting "I still love you" to every guy I ever went on an okcupid date with whose number is still in my phone.

    • 233
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsTheRealBeebsPlaying_Dadangels6578sharajeankingrachelaxlerMHowexcellentStephLanghoff
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    LisaMunro1RukittenmenataliemadurskiBigNoahPetersidgafaboutyewkc_winterretrotrashnearamirfaramir
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Snow White is the only woman in history whose life changed for the better after she passed out in a frat house.

    • 187
    • FAVS
    JessCallMeJaydilawyerthoughtsTheRealBeebsSheBanggskendallbadesPlaying_Dadhannahintheusaandrealeslie
    • 97
    • RETWEETS
    thelabyrinth14LaGnignuYoungerKateBmurphy1010Life_Of_KerMadinaPaolaAlexandraKrialsamfko
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

    • 208
    • FAVS
    Genny_jelloPlaying_Dadbbboibilinskicanadian_jane____lorij690_lorijaslakhmnaMsSugarTitsJoePontillo
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    foxinator2Rantdoghangin_outJiminyKicksItmwahjtiesMike__LeetheJeffHarryajcarrasquillo
    StellaRtwotshanenickerson
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "FALL CLOTHES!! SO SOON!!!! FALL CLOTHES!!!!!!!" -every woman's inner monologue right now

    • 62
    • FAVS
    Playing_DadSaraThomas84DanKCharnleymatthewpaulgrayLisaGoodwin1OllieJayR________CalhounMBandreeahluscu
    • 207
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsCourtneyMcCraryelainedicksjacklynbon__DarcyWino________joannecmc__messperancegetmesomejuice__
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I put grilled chicken AND hard-boiled egg in my salads just to let the chickens know I'm not fucking around.

    • 148
    • FAVS
    madamecheeseyfastablesKimboJaspGaziusLadySummersongdanjan13korey729smashaines
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    falynnlikesyouBACKofTURKEYKawaiiFatherchaseteigenPlaying_Dadcocochanelseadaise13Nugget7623________
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Normally, when politicians address women named Candy, it's under WAY different circumstances. #debate

    • 103
    • FAVS
    Playing_DadJiminyKicksItSaraThomas84DanKCharnleyPRGirlCamillematthewpaulgraytheJeffHarryDrRobertMurphy
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    sweston7bredanbcatswallerZedTheRaveChildevanmwattMarioAndPCatronDanKRoSeBiX
@imaliwaller

@imaliwaller

I have a glow-in-the-dark retainer