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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Gift @imaliwaller Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 2,274
    • LIKES
    MayneAlexamichelle4232BueffelXJasonBerlinJustine_AveryViddlestonRebeccaARinconThomasNara
    • 2,068
    • RETWEETS
    paystoknowpayzramero_djdownforhemmingsRebeccaARincon__gusgusPlanet_Star987DuchessutopiaVanDeMorgenrood
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Do the people in cars with blue headlights know that everybody hates them?

    • 989
    • LIKES
    Curly_gurl135JasonBerlinBrianInSoCal__vanschmoozindbozkristtyleighhonthelukeoutdev_elisabeth
    • 622
    • RETWEETS
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    Home_Halfway
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?" "Sure." -Relationships

    • 913
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    WildeThingyjoe_dirtyjadeosborne23stuvesLidaMoviesjim_galtsara_enan__SwearingJames
    • 484
    • RETWEETS
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    ToxicButTastyThatJennGravesejcam3__
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    It's rude to ask single people if they're dating, couples if they're getting married & married people if they're having kids. Let's cool it.

    • 683
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    CeFlanmerarianizzalyledalKingOfCrudrachelinnitaubrey_bensonlifeofnaroeThe_Pantsula
    • 403
    • RETWEETS
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Somewhere, there's a woman watching the NRA press conference and going "Ugh, I can't believe I fucked that guy in college."

    • 464
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    JasonBerlinBrianInSoCal__timmartinwhyCurly_gurl135Home_HalfwaylawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadMike__Lee
    • 558
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    lafix
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    No better feeling than getting flaked on when you were wanting to flake.

    • 564
    • LIKES
    tomcashgentJasonBerlinNickadoodboztheGrundylergiantmechaTheraleighlamaalexnussbaum
    • 351
    • RETWEETS
    AllWantSunchipsaliciabeanbagFrancisAGeraldkatfoodbreath380kmhjayackleyweismanjakeManyB4noneAfter__
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    If the family in Modern Family is so "modern," then why don't any of the women have jobs?

    • 299
    • LIKES
    tomcashgentLanderfeltBrianInSoCal__AngieMcAdam1__IwishuwouldntCurly_gurl135_troyjohnsondru0887
    • 585
    • RETWEETS
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    m0hammedwarsame
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life. "You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."

    • 433
    • LIKES
    JasonBerlinBrianInSoCal__Alessandro_G93Home_HalfwaylawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadWAGz_WordzOneOver0__
    • 428
    • RETWEETS
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    SamGrittner
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Men who wear jewelry: walk me through your thought process.

    • 540
    • LIKES
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    • 198
    • RETWEETS
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Just once I want someone to say "Making this movie was the worst experience of my life. Total nightmare. Can't even believe it's watchable."

    • 485
    • LIKES
    avinash9894LidaMoviesMaMikeamoLilTooFarCurly_gurl135JasonBerlinBrianInSoCal__Blurugu
    • 198
    • RETWEETS
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Appropriate tipping: for good service, tip 20%. For bad service, still tip 20% but be mad about it.

    • 430
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    tomcashgentJasonBerlinSteveDutzyPeanutgooseryanm74ReubenAdolfWudJewSaybrandonLEFTSIDE
    • 175
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Sure, I'll date a scrub. Why not?" -TLC, single, rapidly approaching 40, rethinking some stuff

    • 385
    • LIKES
    tomcashgentJasonBerlinFunnyBoneClubsBrianInSoCal__Iwishuwouldnt18sydneytrublue75Curly_gurl135
    • 183
    • RETWEETS
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Instead of "toner low," it might as well say, "you're never gonna use this printer again."

    • 415
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    • 146
    • RETWEETS
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Just used the phrase "money is no object" while shopping for cat furniture.

    • 421
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    • 69
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    WildeThingy
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    No reason to be "doing the Lord's work." Let the Lord do that. He's the Lord. He should be able to handle his own workload.

    • 387
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    • 101
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Buy me one last present before I never make an effort to hang out with you again." -pregnant friends

    • 359
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    At some point, every woman has bought a summer dress that makes her look like a waitress at a Mexican restaurant.

    • 337
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    • 96
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I bet Steve Jobs would be proud that I checked my iPhone 3 times during his movie.

    • 323
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    tomcashgentRNsliqanikaviviMayMRRollingSloanThomasCainradducejane_bot
    • 83
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    SOME GUY ON FACEBOOK I DON'T EVEN KNOW JUST POSTED A PICTURE OF HIMSELF HOLDING HIS DEAD GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. ENOUGH. EVERYBODY. ENOUGH.

    • 336
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    tomcashgentJasonBerlingoodhairpersonltrup32kelzorrD_MONEYFLAVAmodo_lvkristinallbani
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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Don't forget: all the unswerving optimists who write your self-help books are millionaires living in Hawaii with no real problems.

    • 254
    • LIKES
    tomcashgentJasonBerlinBrianInSoCal__abishekgcigarexec__o_althebarber4JayStephenspilotstig
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    roryraaabeTheFunnyFelaabishekgcigarexec__TheJonHurdbenittto6JohnTheSecular__Favstar250
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