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Do the people in cars with blue headlights know that everybody hates them?
"Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?" "Sure." -Relationships
Somewhere, there's a woman watching the NRA press conference and going "Ugh, I can't believe I fucked that guy in college."
It's rude to ask single people if they're dating, couples if they're getting married & married people if they're having kids. Let's cool it.
No better feeling than getting flaked on when you were wanting to flake.
If the family in Modern Family is so "modern," then why don't any of the women have jobs?
The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life. "You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."
"Sure, I'll date a scrub. Why not?" -TLC, single, rapidly approaching 40, rethinking some stuff
Don't forget: all the unswerving optimists who write your self-help books are millionaires living in Hawaii with no real problems.
I'd like to host a TV show where I do a weekly round-up of people who are dead to me.
Fun, flirty thing to whisper on a 1st date: "I wanna change the shit out of you."
No woman has any idea how many times she's supposed to wear a bra before washing it.
I hope somewhere there are two lame dudes living together who call going to the market "brocery shopping."
People who tell me everything is going to be okay: can you give me a fucking time frame?
At midnight, I'm texting "I still love you" to every guy I ever went on an okcupid date with whose number is still in my phone.
Snow White is the only woman in history whose life changed for the better after she passed out in a frat house.
The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.
"FALL CLOTHES!! SO SOON!!!! FALL CLOTHES!!!!!!!" -every woman's inner monologue right now
I put grilled chicken AND hard-boiled egg in my salads just to let the chickens know I'm not fucking around.
Normally, when politicians address women named Candy, it's under WAY different circumstances. #debate