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Do the people in cars with blue headlights know that everybody hates them?
"Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?" "Sure." -Relationships
It's rude to ask single people if they're dating, couples if they're getting married & married people if they're having kids. Let's cool it.
Somewhere, there's a woman watching the NRA press conference and going "Ugh, I can't believe I fucked that guy in college."
No better feeling than getting flaked on when you were wanting to flake.
If the family in Modern Family is so "modern," then why don't any of the women have jobs?
The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life. "You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."
Just once I want someone to say "Making this movie was the worst experience of my life. Total nightmare. Can't even believe it's watchable."
Men who wear jewelry: walk me through your thought process.
Appropriate tipping: for good service, tip 20%. For bad service, still tip 20% but be mad about it.
"Sure, I'll date a scrub. Why not?" -TLC, single, rapidly approaching 40, rethinking some stuff
Instead of "toner low," it might as well say, "you're never gonna use this printer again."
No reason to be "doing the Lord's work." Let the Lord do that. He's the Lord. He should be able to handle his own workload.
At some point, every woman has bought a summer dress that makes her look like a waitress at a Mexican restaurant.
SOME GUY ON FACEBOOK I DON'T EVEN KNOW JUST POSTED A PICTURE OF HIMSELF HOLDING HIS DEAD GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. ENOUGH. EVERYBODY. ENOUGH.
Don't forget: all the unswerving optimists who write your self-help books are millionaires living in Hawaii with no real problems.
Fun, flirty thing to whisper on a 1st date: "I wanna change the shit out of you."
I'd like to host a TV show where I do a weekly round-up of people who are dead to me.
Guys, we're all gonna die. Don't worry about which Instagram filter you pick.
I have a glow-in-the-dark retainer
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