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Do the people in cars with blue headlights know that everybody hates them?
"Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?" "Sure." -Relationships
It's rude to ask single people if they're dating, couples if they're getting married & married people if they're having kids. Let's cool it.
Somewhere, there's a woman watching the NRA press conference and going "Ugh, I can't believe I fucked that guy in college."
If the family in Modern Family is so "modern," then why don't any of the women have jobs?
No better feeling than getting flaked on when you were wanting to flake.
The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life. "You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."
Just once I want someone to say "Making this movie was the worst experience of my life. Total nightmare. Can't even believe it's watchable."
"Sure, I'll date a scrub. Why not?" -TLC, single, rapidly approaching 40, rethinking some stuff
Instead of "toner low," it might as well say, "you're never gonna use this printer again."
At some point, every woman has bought a summer dress that makes her look like a waitress at a Mexican restaurant.
Don't forget: all the unswerving optimists who write your self-help books are millionaires living in Hawaii with no real problems.
Fun, flirty thing to whisper on a 1st date: "I wanna change the shit out of you."
I'd like to host a TV show where I do a weekly round-up of people who are dead to me.
No woman has any idea how many times she's supposed to wear a bra before washing it.
I hope somewhere there are two lame dudes living together who call going to the market "brocery shopping."
People who tell me everything is going to be okay: can you give me a fucking time frame?
At midnight, I'm texting "I still love you" to every guy I ever went on an okcupid date with whose number is still in my phone.
The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.
I have a glow-in-the-dark retainer
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