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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Do the people in cars with blue headlights know that everybody hates them?

    • 955
    • FAVS
    liamccaeileenulikCapwneJoshPetersen7jessokfineopenchakraevanmyoungborn_1911
    • 620
    • RETWEETS
    eileenulikcourtbutt23LoganBownJoshPetersen7evanmyoungTrippyMcTackleduck_jump__stonemanderson
    Home_Halfway
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?" "Sure." -Relationships

    • 809
    • FAVS
    assassinjephTessting_123madsredsmicheladalfonsoclaire_hickeyyKateABabeemmaasoaveshnuhh
    • 461
    • RETWEETS
    _carm_ine_KateABabeMasterNateebraydenbeswickrobfuckedurbfsamprosperMyLifeIsCarrotsarahgrace3407
    ToxicButTastyThatJennGravesejcam3
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    It's rude to ask single people if they're dating, couples if they're getting married & married people if they're having kids. Let's cool it.

    • 642
    • FAVS
    talkingattheTV2dell_yeahcansuditmarieberdAmaseee_TC_KoryScrogginhotforamish
    • 401
    • RETWEETS
    topslyiamjulietpapadivinemadnessSissaSaysmrianlesliemattingebretsonuhcaitlinYash_Agarwal97
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Somewhere, there's a woman watching the NRA press conference and going "Ugh, I can't believe I fucked that guy in college."

    • 461
    • FAVS
    Home_HalfwaylawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadMike__LeeToxicButTastyNickadoororynotroyIm_Tricia
    • 557
    • RETWEETS
    NealASpurlockdmThalinSonyaMew1Her__BUTATL321SonnySulouffadamegelmannuttage1
    lafix
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    If the family in Modern Family is so "modern," then why don't any of the women have jobs?

    • 293
    • FAVS
    MrJeremyHornHome_HalfwayDman7HundleyJohnTheSecularsmintlawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadToxicButTasty
    • 583
    • RETWEETS
    GaskinsBenKoudouCambridgeMelissa_PrdMelanieMglr__Dman7HundleyJohnTheSecularjulietaxalvarezMike__Lee
    m0hammedwarsame
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    No better feeling than getting flaked on when you were wanting to flake.

    • 523
    • FAVS
    smintlawyerthoughtscarnefoxTheRealBeebsxmixedtape90xPlaying_DadariihermansonCatwithatoe
    • 349
    • RETWEETS
    ManyB4noneAftersassychildladyZigs26elizabwithloveTaralee51499OhSoBrenosocosmic_carlybusywalrus
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life. "You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."

    • 431
    • FAVS
    Alessandro_G93Home_HalfwaylawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadWAGz_WordzSeanXKuroMJonHarrellDonnaLudwig
    • 428
    • RETWEETS
    Alessandro_G93WAGz_WordzNoOneatAlSeanXKuroMike__LeeTheQuietRightchefahoy1234mevans0424
    SamGrittner
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Sure, I'll date a scrub. Why not?" -TLC, single, rapidly approaching 40, rethinking some stuff

    • 377
    • FAVS
    evidentlyblondedell_yeahSuperTeeWhysab_rodriguez16alysehigginsottcanadacansuditmarieberd
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    belleNINJAsab_rodriguez1680bryantdivinemadnessstban24RebeccaRush639mattingebretsonJoshPetersen7
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    At some point, every woman has bought a summer dress that makes her look like a waitress at a Mexican restaurant.

    • 332
    • FAVS
    fingerbangstheaubsreportconniegates628ImanMohmedali1PanicRestroomamynicoleunzenlionprincessvalbrieravil
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    awLilCassandyImanMohmedali1SuvieDC_ArchitaPatelk_taylor88chris14612kjsmietanarideat_radix
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Don't forget: all the unswerving optimists who write your self-help books are millionaires living in Hawaii with no real problems.

    • 251
    • FAVS
    abishekgcigarexeco_althebarber4JayStephenspilotstigJohnTheSecularsmintTheRealBeebs
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    TheFunnyFelaabishekgcigarexecTheJonHurdbenittto6JohnTheSecularFavstar250AlexMDeVries
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Fun, flirty thing to whisper on a 1st date: "I wanna change the shit out of you."

    • 209
    • FAVS
    TheJonHurdsmintPlaying_DadToxicButTastyrorynotroyREALityDUMBLostCatDogrjasonscales
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    eziitismiglaa____doribeth29jojocomedyKellimaroneyLittle___Lambdfrbrianklemont1202JamieBasinger2
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I'd like to host a TV show where I do a weekly round-up of people who are dead to me.

    • 231
    • FAVS
    Alessandro_G93lawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadMike__LeeToxicButTastymadamezoobleletsgetgizzyMisz_Brightside
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    Mike__LeeToxicButTastyzami_singsonjessica_tullisSarcastic_messvannavichaleywhittOpheliaRising
    rorynotroy
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    No woman has any idea how many times she's supposed to wear a bra before washing it.

    • 259
    • FAVS
    AudieRecigarexecgemma_ortiz1lafemmenest____JohnTheSecularJennyyyGarciaS_SL8sam_dean_lynn
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    ninjaknifewoundAudieRecigarexecQueertasticQt__JohnTheSecularLisaMunro1benittto2Favstar250
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I hope somewhere there are two lame dudes living together who call going to the market "brocery shopping."

    • 209
    • FAVS
    tenuousgrailJohnTheSecularTw1tter_K1ttenFeevie_Playing_DadClarkeBiancajaslakhmnaMsSugarTits
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    CulinaryShahJohnTheSecularnot_graceful____Gpaulwood12SixfootchickenMsSugarTitsrosemarybreadJiminyKicksIt
    AaronFullertondonni
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    People who tell me everything is going to be okay: can you give me a fucking time frame?

    • 203
    • FAVS
    cigarexecJohnTheSecularsmintlawyerthoughtsPlaying_Dadnobodys_girl_11Mike__Leerorynotroy
    • 102
    • RETWEETS
    cigarexecMike__LeeBobbyGalinskyprincessshana86fevulousNIV7raffrodisiacKarlcastan
    MindyFurano
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    At midnight, I'm texting "I still love you" to every guy I ever went on an okcupid date with whose number is still in my phone.

    • 233
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsTheRealBeebsPlaying_Dadangels6578sharajeankingrachelaxlerMHowexcellentStephLanghoff
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    LisaMunro1RukittenmenataliemadurskiBigNoahPetersKTperrysbaekc_winterretrotrashnearamirfaramir
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

    • 210
    • FAVS
    evidentlyblondeJoshPetersen7Tw1tter_K1ttenPlaying_Dadbbboibilinskicanadian_janelorij690_lorijaslakhmna
    • 77
    • RETWEETS
    JoshPetersen7foxinator2Rantdoghangin_outJiminyKicksItmwahjtiesMike__LeetheJeffHarry
    Stellacoptershanenickerson
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Snow White is the only woman in history whose life changed for the better after she passed out in a frat house.

    • 188
    • FAVS
    smintJessCallMeJaydilawyerthoughtsTheRealBeebsKAH4553kendallbadesPlaying_Dadhannahintheusa
    • 97
    • RETWEETS
    thelabyrinth14LaGnignu__YoungerKateBmurphy1010Life_Of_KerMadinaPaolaKrialMeARiversamfko
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.

    • 139
    • FAVS
    katiebr58syd_gardnerPlaying_DadSaraThomas84DanKCharnleydrakemoteldustymouthspercoset
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    bloatyheadryelki__GiselachicheAudreyProbs14XsinthiszaxzorzsomeofmybesttheJeffHarry
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "FALL CLOTHES!! SO SOON!!!! FALL CLOTHES!!!!!!!" -every woman's inner monologue right now

    • 62
    • FAVS
    Playing_DadSaraThomas84DanKCharnleymatthewpaulgrayLisaGoodwin1OllieJayR________CalhounMBayyhluscu
    • 207
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsCourtneyMcCraryelainedicksjacklynbon______DarcyWino________joannecmc__alilesperancegetmesomejuice____
@imaliwaller

@imaliwaller

I have a glow-in-the-dark retainer