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  • imaliwaller
    • 2,273
    • FAVS
    Justine_AveryViddlestonRebeccaARinconThomasNarasoon2B_PROdiGeeaugiedesantisMegliana_StarWonderDaphne
    • 2,068
    • RETWEETS
    RebeccaARinconAugustin_PftMegliana_StarWonderDaphneVanDeMorgenroodcatherinehannaalunarnomadrandaaimour
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Do the people in cars with blue headlights know that everybody hates them?

    • 987
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowvanschmoozindbozkristtyleighhonthelukeoutdev_elisabethrodbarrogakeiko_paige
    • 621
    • RETWEETS
    kristtyleighhtalibonacidjeennyygarciakeiko_paigeLaurenStrezzcornaxjimhnvjaunty_julie
    Home_Halfway
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?" "Sure." -Relationships

    • 899
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowJessicaLedrewDOPESTLEEUGLYsullie72twitahfulamygiantmechacrackityj0nessofijamrdja
    • 481
    • RETWEETS
    JessicaLedrew141_nicoleDOPESTLEEUGLYNathaniel_BurkeaaronfassJimbauxsJournalTraplawdbprincesannessa
    ToxicButTastyThatJennGravesejcam3__
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    It's rude to ask single people if they're dating, couples if they're getting married & married people if they're having kids. Let's cool it.

    • 645
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowdru0887talkingattheTV2dell_yeahditsuemarieberdAmaseee_TC_
    • 401
    • RETWEETS
    topslyiamjulietpapadivinemadnessSissaSaysmrianlesliemattingebretsonuhcaitlinYash_Agarwal97
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Somewhere, there's a woman watching the NRA press conference and going "Ugh, I can't believe I fucked that guy in college."

    • 463
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowtimmartinwhyCurly_gurl135Home_HalfwaylawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadMike__LeeToxicButTasty
    • 558
    • RETWEETS
    Curly_gurl135NealASpurlockdmThalinSonyaMew1Her__BUTATL321SonnySulouffadamegelman
    lafix
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    No better feeling than getting flaked on when you were wanting to flake.

    • 562
    • FAVS
    NickadoodboztheGrundylergiantmechaTheraleighlamaalexnussbaumbarfbabeLaurenGoulet
    • 350
    • RETWEETS
    aliciabeanbagFrancisAGeraldkatfoodbreath380kmhjayackleyweismanjakeManyB4noneAfter__sassychildlady
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    If the family in Modern Family is so "modern," then why don't any of the women have jobs?

    • 297
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowAngieMcAdam1IwishuwouldntCurly_gurl135_troyjohnsondru0887burgerlandorgyMrJeremyHorn
    • 584
    • RETWEETS
    AngieMcAdam1Curly_gurl135GaskinsBenKoudouCambridge__Melissa_PrdMelanieMglr__Dman7HundleyJohnTheSecular
    m0hammedwarsame
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life. "You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."

    • 432
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowAlessandro_G93Home_HalfwaylawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadWAGz_WordzTastesLikeBoardMJonHarrell
    • 428
    • RETWEETS
    Alessandro_G93WAGz_WordzNoOneatAlTastesLikeBoardMike__LeeTheQuietRightchefahoy1234mevans0424
    SamGrittner
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Just once I want someone to say "Making this movie was the worst experience of my life. Total nightmare. Can't even believe it's watchable."

    • 483
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowBluruguanimm16dj_stephy_dEmanuelaBettiamanduh_29oracle682__KittenWritten
    • 197
    • RETWEETS
    InglouriousBkofChristin_666Favstar250__Omud_OneboJay1972JaysamanthapeaceAye_Scottyleaners84
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Sure, I'll date a scrub. Why not?" -TLC, single, rapidly approaching 40, rethinking some stuff

    • 383
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowIwishuwouldnt18sydneytrublue75Curly_gurl135therealCHASERLerkyT4dyce
    • 183
    • RETWEETS
    Iwishuwouldnt18sydneyCurly_gurl135bridgetgllspTheRealSlimSeyidru0887belleNINJAsab_rodriguez16
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Instead of "toner low," it might as well say, "you're never gonna use this printer again."

    • 415
    • FAVS
    claireconloncambron_richbailannlesleyarfinMr_BobbyJohnsonJust_A_Guy72trashtasticaAckienotforyou
    • 146
    • RETWEETS
    ChaseBurns2EddieMcSugarnutLerkydru0887YoshuaDavisandreajo89ravenlunisAwkwardjokester
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    At some point, every woman has bought a summer dress that makes her look like a waitress at a Mexican restaurant.

    • 334
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowIwishuwouldntjodi_bowersNeonSlurrCurly_gurl135fingerbangstheaubsreportconniegates628
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    IwishuwouldntNeonSlurrCurly_gurl135awLilCassandyImanMohmedali1SuvieDC_ArchitaPatelk_taylor88
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Don't forget: all the unswerving optimists who write your self-help books are millionaires living in Hawaii with no real problems.

    • 252
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowabishekgcigarexec__o_althebarber4JayStephenspilotstigJohnTheSecularsmint
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    roryraaabeTheFunnyFelaabishekgcigarexec__TheJonHurdbenittto6JohnTheSecularFavstar250__
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Fun, flirty thing to whisper on a 1st date: "I wanna change the shit out of you."

    • 212
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowNeonSlurrCurly_gurl135dru0887TheJonHurdsmintPlaying_DadToxicButTasty
    • 159
    • RETWEETS
    NeonSlurrCurly_gurl135eziitismiglaa____doribeth29jojocomedyKellimaroneyLittle___Lambdfrbrian
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I'd like to host a TV show where I do a weekly round-up of people who are dead to me.

    • 233
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowdru0887Alessandro_G93lawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadMike__LeeToxicButTastyzoeklar
    • 132
    • RETWEETS
    AintSoFunnyMeowmarcusdoesurmomMike__LeeToxicButTastyzami_singsonjessica_tullisSarcastic_messvannavic__
    rorynotroy
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    No woman has any idea how many times she's supposed to wear a bra before washing it.

    • 260
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowAudieRecigarexec__gemma_ortiz1lafemmenest____JohnTheSecularJennyyyGarciaS_SL8
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    ninjaknifewoundAudieRecigarexec__QueertasticQt__JohnTheSecularLisaMunro1benittto2Favstar250__
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Imagine if we could all just eat the right amount and shut the fuck up about it.

    • 248
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowshergulleshaunmwormCurly_gurl135ryanm74claireconlonAlessandro_G93el_macho
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    Curly_gurl135HisNameWasMikeboomstarirayjlefebvrejscottgensRadwickOlaprancingbeeFC_Review
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I hope somewhere there are two lame dudes living together who call going to the market "brocery shopping."

    • 211
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowCurly_gurl135tenuousgrailJohnTheSecularTw1tter_K1ttenFeevie_Playing_Dadb_anchor_
    • 102
    • RETWEETS
    Curly_gurl135CulinaryShahJohnTheSecularnot_graceful____Gpaulwood12SixfootchickenMsSugarTitsrosemarybread
    AaronFullertondonni
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    People who tell me everything is going to be okay: can you give me a fucking time frame?

    • 204
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    AintSoFunnyMeowcigarexec__JohnTheSecularsmintlawyerthoughtsPlaying_Dadnobodys_girl_11__Mike__Lee
    • 102
    • RETWEETS
    cigarexec__Mike__LeeBobbyGalinskyprincessshana86fevulousNIV7raffrodisiacKarlcastan
    MindyFurano
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    At midnight, I'm texting "I still love you" to every guy I ever went on an okcupid date with whose number is still in my phone.

    • 235
    • FAVS
    AintSoFunnyMeowCurly_gurl135CarloDavis_lawyerthoughtsTheRealBeebsPlaying_Dadyordayenenhsharajeanking
    • 62
    • RETWEETS
    Curly_gurl135LisaMunro1RukittenmenataliemadurskiBigNoahPetersKTperrysbaekc_winterretrotrash
@imaliwaller

@imaliwaller

I have a glow-in-the-dark retainer

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