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  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Do the people in cars with blue headlights know that everybody hates them?

    • 955
    • FAVS
    JoshPetersen7JessicaCasinCatopenchakraevanmyoungborn_1911TrippyMcTackleglorieskyduck_jump
    • 620
    • RETWEETS
    JoshPetersen7evanmyoungTrippyMcTackleduck_jumpstonemandersongregg_marcy60644xdippythesquid
    Home_Halfway
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?" "Sure." -Relationships

    • 776
    • FAVS
    Alessandro_G93TheJonHurdHome_HalfwayJayStephensJohnTheSecularlawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadLetoileSan
    • 460
    • RETWEETS
    Alessandro_G93JohnTheSecularLetoileSanToxicButTastyWoody71sharajeankingronakdarjiKevinHurry
    ToxicButTastyThatJennGravesejcam3
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    It's rude to ask single people if they're dating, couples if they're getting married & married people if they're having kids. Let's cool it.

    • 632
    • FAVS
    Home_HalfwaymorgvannyCallitAdambek_eruhcaitlinBounse44Alessandro_G93avimando
    • 400
    • RETWEETS
    uhcaitlinYash_Agarwal97shreyad19RTRajaadpsnghsinghiiiioye_bubbly_shweta_sawhney
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Somewhere, there's a woman watching the NRA press conference and going "Ugh, I can't believe I fucked that guy in college."

    • 461
    • FAVS
    Home_HalfwaylawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadMike__LeeToxicButTastyNickadoororynotroyIm_Tricia
    • 557
    • RETWEETS
    NealASpurlockdmThalinSonyaMew1Her__BUTATL321SonnySulouffadamegelmannuttage1
    lafix
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    If the family in Modern Family is so "modern," then why don't any of the women have jobs?

    • 292
    • FAVS
    Home_HalfwayDman7HundleyJohnTheSecularsmintlawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadToxicButTastyNickadoo
    • 583
    • RETWEETS
    KoudouCambridgeMelissa_PrdMelanieMglrDman7HundleyJohnTheSecularjulietaxalvarezMike__Lee4M4NND4
    m0hammedwarsame
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    No better feeling than getting flaked on when you were wanting to flake.

    • 523
    • FAVS
    smintlawyerthoughtscarnefoxTheRealBeebsxmixedtape90xPlaying_DadariihermansonCatwithatoe
    • 349
    • RETWEETS
    sassychildladyZigs26elizabwithloveTaralee51499OhSoBrenosocosmic_carlybusywalrusjazleee
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life. "You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."

    • 431
    • FAVS
    Alessandro_G93Home_HalfwaylawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadWAGz_WordzSeanTheNovskiMJonHarrellDonnaLudwig
    • 428
    • RETWEETS
    Alessandro_G93WAGz_WordzNoOneatAlSeanTheNovskiMike__LeeTheQuietRightchefahoy1234mevans0424
    SamGrittner
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "Sure, I'll date a scrub. Why not?" -TLC, single, rapidly approaching 40, rethinking some stuff

    • 348
    • FAVS
    TheJonHurdJoshPetersen7maadfiitzlawyerthoughtspriyaceliaDakTheHumanCym_withaCnativeejeana
    • 176
    • RETWEETS
    JoshPetersen7aliciasighDingesCgeorgialately_monicasjunglealohadrimaggieesaysTheReal_LT
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    At some point, every woman has bought a summer dress that makes her look like a waitress at a Mexican restaurant.

    • 332
    • FAVS
    conniegates628ImanMohmedali1PanicRestroomamynicoleunzenlionprincessvalbrieravilo_parsonsSocialExtortion
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    awLilCassandyImanMohmedali1SuvieDC_ArchitaPatelk_taylor88chris14612kjsmietanarideat_radix
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Don't forget: all the unswerving optimists who write your self-help books are millionaires living in Hawaii with no real problems.

    • 250
    • FAVS
    o_althebarber4JayStephenspilotstigJohnTheSecularsmintTheRealBeebsPlaying_Dadsharajeanking
    • 136
    • RETWEETS
    TheJonHurdbenittto6JohnTheSecularFavstar250AlexMDeVriespantzpantzstellarhits______RosieSmith95
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Fun, flirty thing to whisper on a 1st date: "I wanna change the shit out of you."

    • 209
    • FAVS
    TheJonHurdsmintPlaying_DadToxicButTastyrorynotroyREALityDUMBLostCatDogrjasonscales
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    eziitismiglaa____doribeth29jojocomedyKellimaroneyLittle___Lambdfrbrianklemont1202JamieBasinger2
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I'd like to host a TV show where I do a weekly round-up of people who are dead to me.

    • 231
    • FAVS
    Alessandro_G93lawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadMike__LeeToxicButTastymadamezoobleletsgetgizzyMisz_Brightside
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    Mike__LeeToxicButTastyzami_singsonjessica_tullisSarcastic_messvannavichaleywhittOpheliaRising
    rorynotroy
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    No woman has any idea how many times she's supposed to wear a bra before washing it.

    • 257
    • FAVS
    gemma_ortiz1lafemmenest____JohnTheSecularJennyyyGarciaS_SL8nbsincerityNadiaAddesijannajava
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    bambipersimmonJohnTheSecularLisaMunro1benittto2Favstar250meenamahtanimadame_ednaZigs26
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I hope somewhere there are two lame dudes living together who call going to the market "brocery shopping."

    • 209
    • FAVS
    tenuousgrailJohnTheSecularTw1tter_K1ttenFeevie_Playing_DadClarkeBiancajaslakhmnaMsSugarTits
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    CulinaryShahJohnTheSecularnot_graceful____Gpaulwood12SixfootchickenMsSugarTitsrosemarybreadJiminyKicksIt
    AaronFullertondonni
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    People who tell me everything is going to be okay: can you give me a fucking time frame?

    • 202
    • FAVS
    JohnTheSecularsmintlawyerthoughtsPlaying_DadmontenegrinningMike__LeerorynotroyLostCatDog
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    Mike__LeeBobbyGalinskyprincessshana86fevulousNIV7raffrodisiacKarlcastannikkipiazza
    MindyFurano
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    At midnight, I'm texting "I still love you" to every guy I ever went on an okcupid date with whose number is still in my phone.

    • 233
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsTheRealBeebsPlaying_Dadangels6578sharajeankingrachelaxlerMHowexcellentStephLanghoff
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    LisaMunro1RukittenmenataliemadurskiBigNoahPetersidgafaboutyewkc_winterretrotrashnearamirfaramir
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

    • 209
    • FAVS
    JoshPetersen7Tw1tter_K1ttenPlaying_Dadbbboibilinskicanadian_janelorij690_lorijaslakhmnaMsSugarTits
    • 77
    • RETWEETS
    JoshPetersen7foxinator2Rantdoghangin_outJiminyKicksItmwahjtiesMike__LeetheJeffHarry
    Stellacoptershanenickerson
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    Snow White is the only woman in history whose life changed for the better after she passed out in a frat house.

    • 188
    • FAVS
    smintJessCallMeJaydilawyerthoughtsTheRealBeebsSheBanggskendallbadesPlaying_Dadhannahintheusa
    • 97
    • RETWEETS
    thelabyrinth14LaGnignuYoungerKateBmurphy1010Life_Of_KerMadinaPaolaAlexandraKrialsamfko
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    "FALL CLOTHES!! SO SOON!!!! FALL CLOTHES!!!!!!!" -every woman's inner monologue right now

    • 62
    • FAVS
    Playing_DadSaraThomas84DanKCharnleymatthewpaulgrayLisaGoodwin1OllieJayR________CalhounMBayyhluscu
    • 207
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsCourtneyMcCraryelainedicksjacklynbon______DarcyWino________joannecmc__messperancegetmesomejuice____
  • imaliwaller
      ali waller @imaliwaller

    I put grilled chicken AND hard-boiled egg in my salads just to let the chickens know I'm not fucking around.

    • 148
    • FAVS
    madamecheeseyfastablesKimboJaspGaziusLadySummersongdanjan13korey729smashaines
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    falynnlikesyouBACKofTURKEYKawaiiFatherchaseteigenPlaying_Dadcocochanelseadaise13Nugget7623________
@imaliwaller

@imaliwaller

I have a glow-in-the-dark retainer