"Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?" "Sure." -Relationships

Somewhere, there's a woman watching the NRA press conference and going "Ugh, I can't believe I fucked that guy in college."

The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life. "You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."

If the family in Modern Family is so "modern," then why don't any of the women have jobs?

Fun, flirty thing to whisper on a 1st date: "I wanna change the shit out of you."

I'd like to host a TV show where I do a weekly round-up of people who are dead to me.

People who tell me everything is going to be okay: can you give me a fucking time frame?

I hope somewhere there are two lame dudes living together who call going to the market "brocery shopping."

"FALL CLOTHES!! SO SOON!!!! FALL CLOTHES!!!!!!!" -every woman's inner monologue right now

The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

Normally, when politicians address women named Candy, it's under WAY different circumstances. #debate

Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.

I put grilled chicken AND hard-boiled egg in my salads just to let the chickens know I'm not fucking around.

I'm the weird girl at the house party who's lying on the floor with the dog.

Alright indie movies, we've seen enough first dates at aquariums.

There's no combination of celebrity judges, however famous, that can get me to give a fuck about a talent competition.

"Let's take a really long time to put pills in a container" -pharmacists

If I had a choice, I would rather my neighbor see my breasts than my vagina, but I didn't have a choice, and my neighbor just saw my vagina.

Just once, I'd like my moment of clarity to come before I make the bad decision and not immediately after.

Don't forget: just because they're nerds doesn't mean they're not huge fucking assholes.